Peace

To say this week has been emotional would be the understatement of the century for me.  If you are reading this, you probably already know that Putin (the president of Russia) signed a bill this morning that bans all US adoptions from Russia.  We have known for at least a week that it was probably coming as the other governmental bodies had passed it pretty overwhelmingly, but when I read that he had actually put pen to paper to sign it, I kind of lost it.  It's been looming, but this really makes it real.  Even to write this, it hurts my heart.  We are most definitely not the only family caught in the middle of this, and to be honest, I'm glad we aren't in the situation that 46 other families are it.  Those families are either waiting to get their court date, or have already had and are just waiting the 30 day period to bring their children home.  Those people have all met their children, held them, played with them, probably sang them songs and told them they loved them.  They also probably left them with pictures of the family they would be coming back to and told them that they would be back to get them as soon as they could.  Many of these children are old enough to understand that they didn't come back and it's another loss for a child who has no doubt suffered so much loss already.  These are also most likely children who have been passed over by Russian families for adoption.  I read in one article that one of the families who was part of this 46 was adopting a boy who had been passed over by 22 Russian families before they were given the opportunity to give him a family.  What does this ban do for him?  I shudder to think....

At this point, we are kind of in limbo.  This has happened in the past where Russia has put a ban on adoptions only to lift it 6 months later.  We are hoping and praying that it will be lifted again when they realize what a horribly childish decision this was in retaliation of the US government.  I just have a hard time figuring out how any logical person could think it was reasonable to punish these children...let's really show the US, let's steal the chance for a family from the most unfortunate beings in our country...makes absolutely no sense.  Jeremy and I both so strongly believe that our daughter is in Russia that right now, we wait.  I have done some research on other programs and countries, but they just don't feel right to me.  We both agree that this is where we have been led, and that until we get other instructions, this is where we will stay.  It is devastating to think of what might happen, but we cannot give up on her, or our chance to be her parents.

Thank you for all of the prayers and support you have given me during this time.  I truly, truly can feel them.  I'm certain that is the only reason that I'm not completely breaking down.  I have a sense of peace that this is going to work.  Of course, my heart is breaking over the fact that we are going to have to spend even more time away from our daughter and she will be spending more time away from the love of a family.  But, I believe that my God has led me to this exact point, and I trust that he will lead me out of this.  If anyone can change the hearts of the people making these decisions, it's Him, and Him alone.  There is nothing that I can do to change anyone's mind.  I've written to the president, secretary of state, my congressmen, and signed petitions, and I believe that anything I can do is something, but I also know that for things to change is going to have to come from Him.  So, I will continue to get on my knees and pray.  I ask that you will continue to pray for all of this, and most importantly, pray for our little girl somewhere and that she is safe and can somehow know that someone very far away loves her more than she can know.  This is truly my "mantra" for the past week or so:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you"
Jeremiah 29:11-12

Merry Christmas

Believe it or not, I have been trying to write a post since shortly after the tragedy in CT, but have started at least three times and just couldn't put into words what what going through my heart and mind.  It's been an very emotional couple of weeks with that and the possibility of Russia signing a bill that will ban all adoptions to the US.  I told my mom that I just didn't feel like my heart could handle anything else.  I don't think that anyone will ever get over the extreme evil that has occurred, but right now I can think and write about it without breaking down in tears over it.  The only peace I can have about it is knowing that they are peaceful in heaven, and aren't hurting, scared, or traumatized.  I read another blog that a woman said she thought it hit her so hard is because she "knows what six looks like".  I think that is so true.  I know that when I heard the ages of those children, all I could think was, Noah is almost 6...and then couldn't make it much past that.  Then they released the names, and one of the children was a Noah...it really hit me hard to see his name, and see his picture of his sweet face.  The night that it happened I sat on the floor in the boys' room and cried and prayed, and just couldn't think of anything else to do.  Since then I have prayed, cried, and tried to explain to the boys what happened without making them scared themselves to go to school.  Before they even knew about it, Gavin was telling me how they do "lockdown" drills at school, and while he was telling me, I couldn't hold back the tears.  The thought of our children even having to know how to do that, and having the need to do that is truly heartbreaking, and as much as I try not to, I get a little pang of fear now every time I put them on the bus in the morning, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see their smiling faces get off the bus in the afternoon.  As parents, our top priority is keeping them safe, but there is no way to keep them safe every minute, even if they are with us.

I realize that this is not really a happy Merry Christmas post, but I am having a bit of a hard time this Christmas also with the thought that all of our family is not here.  I have said before that we feel like Lainey is part of our family even though we don't even know who she is.  Santa must think so too, because he brought presents for her this year too!  I am trying to trust and be positive about the ruling that is looming that may ban all adoptions from Russia to the US, but it is so hard.  After much prayer (and tears), I truly feel like we are still on the right path, and this will pass and we will get our daughter home in 2013!

I have to say that normally Christmas morning is my favorite day of the entire year since we have had kids.  I absolutely love when they open those presents and they get that look of sheer joy when they get something they want.  I love watching them at the computer trailing Santa on Norad, and I love listening to them talking to Santa over an email that he sent to them.  It's all so magical, and it is so amazing to watch them realize the true meaning of Christmas.  Noah found things in his room yesterday and wrapped gifts for each of us and was so excited to see us open them.  I was so proud of a  5 year old to realize how great it is to give!  They have already been outside to bounce on new pogo sticks and have been playing together with a new Nintendo DS, and are now working on puzzles together.  The puppies are laying in piles of torn up toys (they don't last long here), and just looking so happy.  This year Santa was especially nice to me too!  He brought me a very nice camera that I have been wanting, and Jeremy must have known since he got me a bag to go with it :)  We got some great pictures this morning of boys on pogo sticks with just a pj shirt, undies, and tennis shoes (I"m sure those will go a long way for blackmail in a few years!).

I hope that everyone has a truly wonderful Christmas, and that you get to spend some time with family and friends.  We are going to have a lazy day with no cooking or cleaning allowed (Jeremy's rule), and will be heading out for Chinese tonight!  Fa ra ra ra ra....

Helpless

I think that as a mother, the worst feeling in the world is when you can't do anything to help your child when they are sick, or sad, or just need help.  Right now, I feel like that times about 10.  We have all of our paperwork sitting over in Russia, and are just waiting for a call for them to tell us to come meet our daughter (how strange is that??).  A few weeks ago when I had mountains of paperwork to do, it kept me busy and at least I could feel like I had something that I could do to get things going faster.  Now, I'm working on a couple of last pieces of paper for court when it happens and doing some added training, but none of that makes her get home faster.  It's so hard to feel so helpless and so out of control.  I do know that I'm not the one who is supposed to control, but I don't think I have ever had a harder time waiting for something!

I have been in touch with a woman from WV that is also adopting from the same region and using the same agency that we are using, and they have been to Russia for their first trip and have met their son and then had to leave him after spending time with him for six days.  It's been so amazing to hear about the area and what to expect and how their meetings went with their son.  It has also been really hard to hear about the orphanage and how the kids live and know that our daughter is probably in that same place with the same situation.  She said that the babies get only one diaper a day ( I have no idea how that even works without them having a very serious diaper rash), and that they sleep on a vinyl mattress without sheets or blankets on it.  It's so hard to walk past her room and see that she has so much warmth here, and love her, and honestly, as many diapers as she wants!!  It's been great to hear what we need to make sure we have so that things can go more smoothly there, but it's just so different that it's still even hard to imagine. 

So right now, really all we can do is pray.  When we were saying prayers at bedtime the other night, Gavin prayed for patience while we were waiting for her (he is SOO my child, needing to pray for patience).  I sat on the floor in her room last night and prayed and cried thinking about what she was feeling, or not feeling and  how each day longer she spent there, what it would do to her little heart.    So, if you see me and I'm looking a little crazy, that's probably why....

On a happy note, I worked on her room this weekend and actually got lots of it done, so I thought I would share some pictures:

The curtains were sewn by one of my good friend's moms, and she did an amazing job!  The dust ruffle of the crib also matches!  The flowers under the window and the flamingos are actually metal, and I just thought they were cute.  She already has a bunch of hair bows, so I had to find somewhere to put those already!  We are planning a couple of other things, and would like to use some of our pictures from our first trip to do something on one of the walls.  So, this is what is keeping me busy as least a little while I wait.  Please keep praying for us, and more importantly, for her.  I can't be there with her, but I know that God is with her and I just pray that he keeps her safe not only physically, but emotionally too.  I pray that he protects her heart and that he can somehow let her know that someone loves her and can't wait to have her home.

Already crazy...

I want to go ahead and apologize to everyone who knows me.  I already can see that this waiting thing with the adoption is not going to go well for me.  If you know me, you know that patience isn't my strongest quality, and this is the biggest test I think I have ever had.  This is also a lesson that I've been smacked with on several occasions...you would think I would have learned by now...but no luck there!  I really thought with as busy as I am that time would just sail by and that I would look up one day  and say, "wow, it's been a few months, hope that referral comes soon for the adoption"....right.....who was I kidding??  I find myself sitting at my computer for work and getting anxious with every phone call and email that I get thinking, "this could be it".  Did I mention that our paperwork has only been registered in Russia for a month?  Yeah, from what I have heard/read it normally takes a couple of months even to get a referral so I'm sure we have some waiting to do.  I really am trying to trust that the plan He has for us is perfect, and that his timing is perfect, but I can't help but think that my plan is pretty good too :)  I have been reading blogs all night in hopes that I could find one with a time line for the process that is closer to what I think it should be.  Guess what, doesn't look like it happens that fast for anyone...no matter how much they want it to!

I am excited for Christmas coming, and am hoping that a short break from school and getting ready for Christmas will take my mind off of things.  Santa is planning to bring her a gift, and I'm sure that will feel a little bittersweet on Christmas morning.  I know that the boys are excited too, a parent of a child from Gavin's class asked the other day if we were adopting because her son came home saying that Gavin had been talking about it.  I love that he is so excited about it!  Noah doesn't talk about it much, except that he's sure they will have to watch "girl shows" when she gets here and he's not really happy about that!  We did find out that one of Noah's classmates is Russian and her mom is from Russia, and they only speak Russian in their house.  I contacted her and we are going to try to get together.  I can't wait to get some insight into the life and culture that comes from another human being instead of from a book! 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am overwhelmed by how much we have to be thankful for.  I just look around and listen in my house as the boys are playing and laughing, as Jeremy is playing with them, or as we are just laying on the couch watching cartoons.  It is so incredible to look at the life I have been given.  Amazing family, amazing friends, amazing community.  I could not ask for more...well, except for a short wait to meet our baby girl!!  I found this tonight on a blog I was reading and had to borrow it.  For anyone who has or who is adopting, I think this will really hit your heart.

A letter to you

Once there were two women who never knew each other, One you do not remember, the other you call Mother, Two different lives shaped to make you one, One became your guiding star, the other became your sun, The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it, The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it, One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a nameOne gave you a talent, the other gave you aim, One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears, One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears, One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do, The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you. Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of? Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.---- Unknown 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Small world

So yes, I should be doing homework, but just had to write a short post.  It has been a little rough the past couple of days for me.  The parents and babies went home last night back to Holland.  It has been so great that they have been here for 6 weeks and we got to see them and really get to see the babies before they left.  We even got to meet grandparents!  I feel so lucky and so blessed to have a small part of such an amazing family.  It's really incredible just how small this world really is.  I know that it's halfway around the world, but I still feel like I'll get to see them grow up in other ways.  We have talked so much through email, facebook, skype, and even texting that it really doesn't seem so far away.....well, it does feel like far away, but at least it makes it a little easier.

People always ask me how I'm able to carry babies and then just give them away.  I really do not have a problem with giving them to the parents that they belong to.  I have found that my biggest problem is seeing this part of what has been about a year long journey coming to an end.  When you do this, you can't help but have a very unique bond with the parents that are entrusting you with their children.  It's something that is hard to describe.  You not only are helping them add to or start their family, but in a small way you become part of their family.  So, it's hard when the pregnancy is over because you all go back to normal life and of course there is a little less talking and there's not visits for the most part, and truly that is what is supposed to happen.  But I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little hard.  So, it's not so much that I miss the babies that I had with me for so long, but it's kind of like when a family member or best friend moves away....

I'm so thankful for the time that we had together for these last 6 weeks and I will never forget how great it was.  I'm so thankful that my kids got to see them and get to know them and I think one day it will help them realize what surrogacy really is and how great it can be.  I'm so thankful for being able to spend time with the babies and I have to say seeing Lola actually looking for me becuase she recognized my voice makes me think about how amazing pregnancy really is.  I am so thankful that after everything I made it through my last pregnancy healthy, and and certain that this was my last time.  Can't lie about that either, it's kind of bittersweet.  I know I was miserable at the end, but there is something about being able to do that that makes me proud to be a woman!!  I think that's why I've always done women's health in my career, I just think that it is incredible what women can do....we just rock I guess!!

Amazing

Again my good plans for doing one thing turned into writing this blog.  I had good intentions of going to bed, but just couldn't stop thinking about what I saw this weekend.  First, on Saturday, friends of ours from church came home with their beautiful new daughter from Ecuador.  We weren't able to make it to the airport to welcome them home, but the pictures I saw online were incredible.  Of course it made me think of the day that we will get to do that with our daughter and it really is overwhelming to think about.  This afternoon, we had a little baby shower for the parents of the beautiful babies I carried and I saw two new parents who have settled into this incredible new life as parents so well that it really is amazing to see.  Talk about a change in life.  From no children to newborn twins....so awesome.  I also saw amazing women and mothers that started as my friends, have now become friends of theirs too, so there is an international connection now between the Carolinas and Holland, also awesome!  Girls, I do see a Flamingos take Europe trip!!!

That was not the end of my amazing sights this weekend!  We headed to trunks and treats tonight and more awesome things.  I saw the newest adopted daughter of our friends dressed up and having fun with her new family and many other kids.  I know that obviously she is not totally adjusted in one day, but how incredible to see her having fun in this totally new place with all new people and all new words and just new life in general.  As I looked around, I noticed another friend with her adopted daughter from Ecuador also, and another church member with an adopted son from the US, and yet another church member with her two adopted children.  I also saw another family that is in the process of adopting and know who their daughter is, but haven't been able to bring her home yet just because of the long process with their country.  Not only are there so many stories like this, but there are also many that I don't know.  I know there are other families in the process of adopting, and I'm sure even more that are thinking and praying about it, and that is also so incredible to me.

I think that the most amazing thing to me is that there are so many ways to make a family.   And, there are so many kinds of families.  I feel like I have been so blessed to be able to help add to and start families with being a surrogate.  What an amazing thing to be able to do....I honestly just can't explain how that feels.  But, I also feel like I have been a part of creating a family of friends as well and connecting the US and Holland.  Now, we get a chance to add again to our family but in a very different way than we have before.  It's still very surreal to me, but we have our paperwork in Russia as I type and are being registered in the region we are adopting from.  Once we are regiestered, they are saying we should have our referrral and travel on our first trip within 6 months.  When that day comes, I'm not even sure what we will do!!  So amazing....

Courageous

I had good intentions of sitting here during the boys' Tae Kwon Do class and doing my school work.  Unfortunately I forgot the ear buds to listen to lectures and I forgot my notes to do my assignment.  Apparently I wasn't meant to do that here tonight.  So, I figured since I had some extra time I would write here.  I have been thinking about this post for a week or two after hearing a song on the radio.  I honestly don't know who sings it, but in the song they sing, "we were meant to be courageous".  I started thinking about that a little.  I have had a few people tell me that I was courageous in doing the surrogacy, but I never really thought of it that way.  I've said before that I really just feel like I was doing what I was supposed to do.  I think that there are so many people in my life that I look at as being so courageous.  I personally think that the "normal" things in life really take more courage than we ever really think about.
   I think of two of my closest friends who have chosen to be a stay at home mom (you know who you are), and I really think they is amazing.  The choice to stay home is not an easy one when you consider having to make sacrifices because of money, time and everything else that being home with your children involves.  I have said before that I know I couldn't be a stay at home mom, but I think that it really takes a huge amount of courage to trust that is the right decision for your family.  It also takes a huge amount of courage to handle criticism that may come from different places about being a stay at home mom.  I don't think that anyone can argue that raising children is the most important job that there is.
    On the flip side of that, I have very close friends that have chosen to be working moms, and I know how much courage that takes as well.  The balance between having a family and a career is very delicate, and most days you feel like you are constantly neglecting something.  When you are at work, you worry about what the kids are doing, and when you are with the kids, you are thinking about work that needs to be done.  But, I know that for many women, it's the right decision to work, and it takes courage to follow that decision.  There is also criticism that comes with this decision, from many places, and there is guilt that comes with being a working mom. 
   I see courage in so many places, every day.  I see it in my kids when they go to school, make new friends, try new things, and learn new things everyday.  I look at Noah who just started kindergarten, and how many new things that happen everyday and how he handles it with courage, even though I know he was scared.  I see it in my parents who have been through so much with illnesses and just life in general but still have so much faith and trust that everything is as it should be.  The courage is amazing to make marriage and life work for so long.  I see it in the parents of the beautiful babies I had the privledge to carry.  To be able to trust someone who is pretty much a stranger with their most precious gift they have ever had is incredible.  What amazing courage to know that someone is carrying your children thousands of miles away and not completely losing your mind!  I had a hard time leaving the boys at daycare, so I can't imagine what kind of courage that must have taken.  Not to mention the courage that so many of my friends have had to make the decision to have children.  Talk about scary...to be responsible for these amazing little lives takes more courge than I think any of us ever thought we had! It's the courage to be willing to make mistakes, and to make hard and even seemingly impossible decisions, never knowing if what you are doing is right, or if it is something they will talk about in therapy one day!
   Regular real life takes courage every day.  It takes courage to trust that what you are doing and what direction you are going is the right way.  It takes courage to take a chance and try something new, to start a new job, to accept a promotion, and to make those hard decisions.  I am amaazed every day at the courage that I have around me and try to remember how much courage "normal" life takes!