Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Believe it or not, I have been trying to write a post since shortly after the tragedy in CT, but have started at least three times and just couldn't put into words what what going through my heart and mind.  It's been an very emotional couple of weeks with that and the possibility of Russia signing a bill that will ban all adoptions to the US.  I told my mom that I just didn't feel like my heart could handle anything else.  I don't think that anyone will ever get over the extreme evil that has occurred, but right now I can think and write about it without breaking down in tears over it.  The only peace I can have about it is knowing that they are peaceful in heaven, and aren't hurting, scared, or traumatized.  I read another blog that a woman said she thought it hit her so hard is because she "knows what six looks like".  I think that is so true.  I know that when I heard the ages of those children, all I could think was, Noah is almost 6...and then couldn't make it much past that.  Then they released the names, and one of the children was a Noah...it really hit me hard to see his name, and see his picture of his sweet face.  The night that it happened I sat on the floor in the boys' room and cried and prayed, and just couldn't think of anything else to do.  Since then I have prayed, cried, and tried to explain to the boys what happened without making them scared themselves to go to school.  Before they even knew about it, Gavin was telling me how they do "lockdown" drills at school, and while he was telling me, I couldn't hold back the tears.  The thought of our children even having to know how to do that, and having the need to do that is truly heartbreaking, and as much as I try not to, I get a little pang of fear now every time I put them on the bus in the morning, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see their smiling faces get off the bus in the afternoon.  As parents, our top priority is keeping them safe, but there is no way to keep them safe every minute, even if they are with us.

I realize that this is not really a happy Merry Christmas post, but I am having a bit of a hard time this Christmas also with the thought that all of our family is not here.  I have said before that we feel like Lainey is part of our family even though we don't even know who she is.  Santa must think so too, because he brought presents for her this year too!  I am trying to trust and be positive about the ruling that is looming that may ban all adoptions from Russia to the US, but it is so hard.  After much prayer (and tears), I truly feel like we are still on the right path, and this will pass and we will get our daughter home in 2013!

I have to say that normally Christmas morning is my favorite day of the entire year since we have had kids.  I absolutely love when they open those presents and they get that look of sheer joy when they get something they want.  I love watching them at the computer trailing Santa on Norad, and I love listening to them talking to Santa over an email that he sent to them.  It's all so magical, and it is so amazing to watch them realize the true meaning of Christmas.  Noah found things in his room yesterday and wrapped gifts for each of us and was so excited to see us open them.  I was so proud of a  5 year old to realize how great it is to give!  They have already been outside to bounce on new pogo sticks and have been playing together with a new Nintendo DS, and are now working on puzzles together.  The puppies are laying in piles of torn up toys (they don't last long here), and just looking so happy.  This year Santa was especially nice to me too!  He brought me a very nice camera that I have been wanting, and Jeremy must have known since he got me a bag to go with it :)  We got some great pictures this morning of boys on pogo sticks with just a pj shirt, undies, and tennis shoes (I"m sure those will go a long way for blackmail in a few years!).

I hope that everyone has a truly wonderful Christmas, and that you get to spend some time with family and friends.  We are going to have a lazy day with no cooking or cleaning allowed (Jeremy's rule), and will be heading out for Chinese tonight!  Fa ra ra ra ra....

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