Tuesday, December 16, 2014

What a slacker

Wow, what a slacker I've been with getting blog posts up here!!  I wish I could say it's because I've been off on some beach somewhere getting a great tan and sipping margaritas....but alas, that is not the case.  I think I've been reluctant to do a new post because life is not what I ever expected it to be right now, and I just don't really know what to say about it.  I'm not one to air everything to the public and put all my personal business out there, but for those of you that are close, you know what I'm talking about.

Our family has had some pretty huge and unexpected changes over the last several months.  Things that I guess somehow I wasn't shocked by but was shocked by all at the same time.  To say it's been hard doesn't begin to explain it.  Our life has been rocked.  Mine, the kids, everyone.  We are trying to adjust to a new normal here, and it's not been an easy task, especially with the holidays here.  I say all of this never to get sympathy, or to try to make everyone guess what is going on.  I say this so that maybe I can share a little about what I've learned.

It's so interesting to me to look back over my life and how I've grown as a person, mother, daughter, etc.  I really can see how much I've changed when I look at hard situations like this, and I can only attribute it to one thing.  I've grown in my faith.  I think that 2 years ago when we were at Christmas putting the "Waiting for us in Russia" adoption ornament on the tree while wondering what was going to happen with adoptions in Russia, I was still struggling ALOT with trusting God and His plan that He had for us.  We all know that it is hard when things are hard to sit back and trust that He's got this.  As soon as we heard that we couldn't adopt from Russia anymore, I was immediately looking into other options and trying to figure out what to do next.  What I should have been doing is sitting quietly and listening to what He wanted me to do next.  Sure would have saved me alot of work and worry!!!  Ironically, that ornament isn't hanging on our tree this year, but I do look at it almost every day.  For me, it's a reminder that while we thought our little girl was in Russia, that was just a detour for us to get to the child He really had planned for us. 

Fast forward to now, and Lainey could not be more of a part of our family, and just fits like I carried her myself.  Seeing her is truly a reminder of God's faithfulness to us, and reminds me that when I follow His plan, it always works.  I'm in a time of my life where that is very difficult to see again.  I think we all find ourselves here more than once in our lives.  I'm trying to listen, but it's so so hard with so many voices from so many places that are giving advice.  I truly truly appreciate the family and friends in my life who are standing next to me now through all of this, and don't think I would be surviving without them.  BUT, I also need to remind myself to sit and be quiet and listen to what God wants me to do, who He wants me to be, what path He wants me to take. 

I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that one day I will look back with more wisdom and be able to see how I have grown through struggle.  I will look back and see that I did the best I could do in the situation, and I trusted Him in each step knowing that His plan was in place.  I will still pray EVERY day for the situation to resolve, because I know in my heart that it can.  I will look back at my life and see the amazing things that I have been able to make it through and know that He has given me the strength to make it through this and be the mom that I need to be and the strong woman that He made me.  I will learn to trust more, I will know myself better, and I will come out even stronger. 

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