This was not my plan....

Well, things don't always seem to go as planned, no matter how much I fight for them to!  I was 33 weeks and 6 days pregant yesterday and started having some pretty decent contractions and had a Dr appt scheduled anyway, so went in for that around lunch.  The first bad news came before I even saw the doctor...high blood pressure and protein in my urine (which shouldn't be there).  Then came the ultrasound...baby A (the girl) has decided to flip around and be breech.  That means they get to come out via c-section....my worst nightmare....so, I had a bit of a freak out in the Dr office, but have come to terms with it and realize that I just have to deal with it.  So, from the Dr office, I headed to the hospital for labs and monitoring... and here I sit a day later on mag sulfate (for the BP), bedrest for the most part, and after no food all day yesterday I did get to have some oatmeal and coffee this morning.   I've had the pleasure of a shot to hopefully stop contractions (which burns, and didn't work), and then the first of the steroid shots (which do more than burn...ouch) that will help the babies' lung mature.  I'll get another this afternoon and then the plan is that 24 hours after that they will do the c-section to deliver. 

So....that's my plan for the next two days....not at all what I thought I would be doing...but then when is it ever??  My parents have come up to stay with the boys, so I know they are in good hands, so that's one less thing to worry about!  I know that I need to be here and getting the meds for all of us to be as healthy and safe as possible, but it does suck...no other way around that.  Good news is that the parents are on the way and should be here by tonight and hopefully the plan continues and they will be here when the babies' arrive.  So, all is good, but I would ask for prayers for a c-section which is honestly terrifying for me, and that the babies are as healthy as can be.  I know we are all in good hands, and feel very safe being here where we need to be.  And, prayers for the parents for safe travels as they are on their way over right now.

How did I end up here?

To me, my life is completely normal, but I do realize that from the outside our family is fairly unique and our situation is probably one that most people wouldn't understand or maybe even want.  So, I've started thinking, how did I end up here, in this situation, in this moment in time?  I've always believed that there are no accidents and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  And, of course, like most of us, I have that 20/20 hindsight to be able to look back and say, thank you God for making that happen, even if at the time it was devastating.  So many things I have been through have been life changing and I am so thankful for that. 

So many years ago in college, I really thought that I could see the path I was on, from the guy I was dating to the things I was studying.  After making a huge move, everything changed, and my life was never the same again.  At the time I was devastated and thought that my life would never recover.  Amazingly, and with some time and prayers from many people, I of course did recover and moved past it and was able to put things back together.  This was when I think my real life really started.  I started nursing school, met Jeremy and started "trying" to act like a grown up!

I can't even begin to explain what meeting Jeremy did in my life.  Somehow this little Catholic girl ended up becoming a part of a Baptist church family and that has really made all the difference in my life.  That is what really started me on this crazy path that I am on.  I think that it doesn't seem so crazy because I can feel that all of this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and that is how I have managed to make it through everything without going crazy.  I feel at peace with things that many people see as strange and just don't understand.  I also know that most husbands wouldn't handle all of these things we have been through like Jeremy has.  I have said before that I know for a fact that he was put into my life for a reason, I couldn't do this with anyone else, and no one else would be as supportive as him in all of this. 

So I guess how I ended up here, pregnant with twins that aren't mine and about to deliver, in the process of trying to adopt a little girl from halfway around the world, working fulltime as a nurse, and going to graduate school fullt time, oh and taking care of two amazing and crazy little boys that are the most incredible kids I have even known, and trying to be a wife to the most amazing husband I have ever known....wow....this is where I am, and I couldn't have it any other way.  It's busy, it's crazy, and it's scary at times, but it couldn't be better.  I think I ended up here because I have been able to take a chance and say, okay, this is what I think I'm being called to do, so this is what I'm going to do!  It is truly amazing what can happen when you just decide to go with it and trust that it will work like its going to!!

This is the post I have been dying to be able to write!!  We have finally gotten the final home study done!!!!!  We just have to get the notarized copies from our social worker in the next couple of days, and then we can send everything to Columbia for them to "apostille", which pretty much means they will notarize our notarized stuff.  Then....off to our government to get our appt for the federal fingerprints, and at the same time...off to Russia to start going through al of the translation and government stuff over there.  It is so awesome to get to this point!!!!  We've been waiting for this that was supposed to take 1-3 months now for 5-6 months, and if you know me, you know that patience is not something that I have alot of most times! 
I think I'm kind of in shock right now with this....we have been waiting and waiting, and now this step is done.  I have all the other paperwork already done, it has just been sitting in my binder waiting for this day so that we can send it all...and here it is.  So, I'm glad we have made some progress on her room, the walls are painted, crib should be up tomorrow, the window stuff is being made, and the rest of the furniture should be done within a month or so.  I guess this is really going to happen after all!
This week has really been amazing all around.  I got to spend some great time with my boys on Monday and Tuesday, which unfortunately I don't usually get enough of, then Wednesday it was off  to school for them.  Of course they did great at school, and they both seem to have amazing teachers this year.  I feel certain that they are going to to great this year!  I had my first taste of working from home while the kids are in school and I am home to get them off the bus.  I was able to get my work hours in while they were at school so that when they got off the bus, I was done and could relax or start schoolwork or just sit on the porch with Audrey...which is so awesome!  Starting next week I'm cutting my hours by 8 so that I can start back to clinical and have some time to breathe!  I really feel like this is going to change my life and stress level, which will be incredible.  I can put them on the bus, work for 8 hours, and then get them off the bus and I'm done!  It's just amazing to have a few more hours to get schoolwork done earlier.  I can already feel my stress level coming down.  Granted, its only the first week of school, but I know this semester will be one week at a time like all the other ones, and it will be over before I know it like it always is!
I can't help but just be so thankful for everything going on right now.  We have had friends lately with tragedy in their lives, and it really just makes you want to hang on to the people you have in your life.  We have been so blessed in so many ways, and it truly is overwhelming sometimes to think about it.  I would have not made it this far with everything if it weren't for Jeremy keeping my sane and reasonable, and so many amazing friends listening to my craziness!  Everry night when I hear the boys say their prayers and they pray for Lainey and that she is safe (whether she is born yet or not), and that she would get to come home to be with us soon I get overwhelmed with how amazing life is all over again.  Life is not always easy, and there are for sure some rough times, but I couldn't ask for it to be better.  It just doesn't get much better than this!!!

A better perspective

As I've had a break from school for 2 weeks, I have really gotten into getting Lainey's room ready and getting more things done as far as education requirements for the agency and things.  I have been painting and planning and it really makes all of this so much more real for me.  I had my first dream about her last week, which was scary and exciting all at the same time.  Of course I can't even explain how excited I am to be able to bring her home, but at the same time, it's all so scary because we really don't know what to expect and there are so many unknowns at this point. 

I have been doing some required training for the past week, and it really has been great.  It gives good insight into things that could happen without making it too much more scary than it already is.  I am a huge believer that the more education  you can have, the easier it will make things, but this is just so huge that I'm sure years of education couldn't prepare us for it.  It does make me think though...when we had Gavin, we were young and had no idea what we were doing, but somehow we figured it out.  Then, we had Noah, and yeah we were a little older, but he is completely different than Gavin so it was pretty much like starting over.  Not to mention that trying to figure out how to manage two kids instead of one was a challenge!  Obviously we have managed to make it to this point with them...that's not to say that I feel like we know what we are doing even now though.  I think every day is full of decisions that you make and you keep wondering, is this going to be the one that totally screws them up?  So, I guess that gives me a little more peace about being able to parent a child that has no idea what a parent is and is also a girl (honestly, I'm probably most worried about that part!).

I was talking to a friend today (thanks Steph for being blog fodder) and she was talking about how amazing it was going to be that we can save this child from a life of who knows what to be a part of a loving, though crazy, family.  While I get a little overwhelmed to think of what would become of her if we decided now to not pursue this, I can't help but think it's almost the other way.  I can only think of the amazing joy that we are going to get by being able to be her parents.  We have been amazingly blessed with the biological children that we have, and I can only assume that she will bless us in those ways too.  I think about all of the ways we have already grown as a family in just going through this process by talking about things and making decisions about it together.  She has brought us joy already and she may not even be on this earth yet.  I feel every day that God is leading us to do this, and that the perfect child is going to be there waiting for us.  I know that it isn't going to be all roses and kittens, but then who said being a parent was??  I think you have to live for those moments when it is, and those take you through those moments when you want to just hide under the bed and say, "mommy is on vacation!"

On that note, one last thing that has been on my mind about this whole thing....I can't stop thinking about this child's birth mother.  Of all people, I am probably one of the biggest supporters of the theory that just because you birth a child, doesn't make you a mother.  I honestly don't even like the term "surrogate mother" because I think that the term mother is so sacred (I think I've talked about that before).  But I think a birth mother gets a whole other part on her own.  We may never get to know why our child ended up where she is and why no one in her own family could take care of her, but I have to think that as a birth mother, there is nothing harder than to give up your child knowing that someone else could raise them better.  I can't even fathom the pain that must cause, and the amazing strenth it must take to be able to let them go.  So, even before we know she has even been born, I have been praying for that birth mother.  Her selflessness and strength is going to let us have a daughter that I believe has been planned by God.  There will never be words that could say thank you to her, and the only way I believe to repay her for this gift is to raise this little girl the best we know how and to let her know that we were not the only ones to love her.

I'm sitting here in my room at the B&B at Sunset Beach.....and I'm bored....I've learned in the past 24 hours that I don't know how to relax.  It's really a sad thing, but all I can think about is that I'm not really doing anything here that I couldn' do at home, and I'm irritated that I spent the money on this room!  I'm also thinking that if I had  stayed at home, I maybe could have finished my paiting in Lainey's room....but as it stands, I only got the one wall done, which is a little disappointing.  I realize that we have months until we need the room, but when I get going on a project I just want to get it done!!
I got here last night around 4 and pretty much as soon as I got here it started storming really bad so I hung out for a while for it to pass.  After that I did manage to get out and walk down to the beach, which was nice, it was only about 75 degrees and had a great breeze with some huge waves rolling in.  Really was great.  This morning I woke up to cloudy skies and while I was downstairs having breakfast with the old folks it started pouring.  Figured I would take advantage of the cruddy weather and head to the outlet mall in Myrtle.  Holy rain and storming, Batman....it was crazy!!  I did get a little shopping done before I drove back through the rain.  One nice part of the day is that I sat out on the porch and read a great book for a few hours, there was a deer and some other birds and things out on the waterway outside my porch.  It was really peaceful and quiet. 
We've gotten lots of pictures of the boys while they have been out in Texas with their grandparents.  They look like they are having an amazing time, and I'm not sure they will ever want to come home!  They've been to the natural history museum, the children's museum, in the pool every day, and climbing rock walls!  I can't lie, it does break my heart a little that they don't seem to be missing us at all.  They will probably be bored when they get home!  I am so happy that they are getting to spend this time with them, since they live so far away they don't get to see them so much.
The sun is finally starting to come out, so I may have to wander down to the beach for a walk in a bit.  I think I'm going to go look for some crab legs tonight, pretty sure that will make the whole trip worthwhile!  I'm heading home tomorrow, and I'm sure it will be good to sleep in my own bed, since last night in a strange place did not make for good sleeping!!

Some Progress!!

We are finally making a little progress with the adoption!!! (baby steps, but steps nonetheless)  We have been having a really hard time even getting in touch with our social worker who is the one writing our home study.  Pretty much nothing moves until the home study is done, so it's a pretty important step in the process.  She's met with us twice, and we've sent her tons of info about us, but then every time I would email, we wouldn't hear anything back forever, if at all so we really had no idea where we were at or what kind of time we were looking at.  From what I know from other people, I had an idea of how long it should take, but not getting an answer from her was pretty frustrating!! 
They made some changes to our case worker (not the social worker...it's all hard to keep up with) at the agency so she had emailed to find out where we were in the process and how things were going.  I sent her a message back about our frustrations, and things seemed to move a little faster then...amazing how that happens.  Unfortunately, it took her even days to get in touch with the social worker.  That all being said, I got an email late Friday afternoon that said she was supposed to have the draft of our home study to review on Tuesday of next week!!!!!!  The agency has to review it to make sure that it has everything the Russian government is going to want, and we are still waiting for one more background check (which right now I'm assuming will be okay), and then it can all be sent for approval here in the US.   This is so amazingly exciting!!!!!!  After so long of just kind of waiting, this is a huge step in our process.  I was reading a forum last week that one couple got a referral for a 10 month old girl after just three months of waiting....I know that's not normal, but makes me excited, scared, and nervous that this is all really happening. 
I will try to keep you posted on the progress and where we are at, it's all so exciting!  I'm off to go work on the furniture for her room...seems like it is so much more urgent now!  I know we still have lots of time to wait, and things could still happen, but this just gets me excited like we were when we first started!! 

Holy cow!!!

I knew it had been a while since I had posted anything here, but didn't realize that it was the middle of May!!  All I can say is, Biostats kind of took over my life for about 8 weeks and I barely had time to sleep, let alone blog!  So, in two months, what has happened....it's such a blur I can hardly remember!
To start, I'm still pregnant...which is probably not news to anyone.  We did find out that the parents are going to have one boy and one girl, which is pretty exciting.  It's kind of ironic to me since the first time I carried two girls, then two boys...so it seems right to have one of each for this last time.  We were all lucky enough to have them here for that ultrasound, and I think that overwhelming is an understatement when they got to see their babies for the first time and hear that they were perfect and healthy.  The look on their faces just tells it all for me and why I love to do this.  I have said it before and I will always believe that I am just as blessed in this journey as the parents are.  It is still incredible to see their faces, and I can't wait for a few more months to go by when I can see them lay eyes on their new children for the first time!!  I also can't wait for a few more months when the weather cools off a little.  100 degrees most days is a little rough even when you aren't pregnant, but when you are it is close to torture!!!
Moving on to the other big journey in our lives...the adoption.  I wish I could say we have made huge progress in this venture.  But, as most people know, this process is painfully slow.  I think (don't know for sure because our social worker is not the best at communication) that our home study should be done this month, which is pretty huge.  This is really the first big step.  Once it's done then we can apply for grants and things, and it gets sent off to be approved by our goverment and then after that's done (which could take 1-4 months) everything can be sent off to Russia.  So, once that is done, I think we will feel a little more like it's real.  Good news is that we have actually been able to raise about half of the money we need, which is really a miracle it seems like.  Once we got there, it really felt like we might actually be able to do this.  Pretty incredible really.  We still have a chunk to raise, but I know that it will work out and come from somewhere!!
We have plans for her room already, the challenge now is finding the time for all of the projects that need to be done to complete that!  I made a huge decision in figuring out what color/design I wanted.  If you have ever been around when I tryto pick a paint color, you know how huge this was for me!  I have started sanding furniture so that we can paint it, but it's also a slow process.  I'm really trying to do everything I can to make her room amazing without spending too much money, and I'm pretty excited with the ideas so far!
So...I wish I had something deep or insightful to write about this time, but I have to be honest...I'm so fried right now with school that my brain can hardly even form sentences at this point!  I should be done with school for the summer in about 3 weeks and will be taking my "me, myelf, and I" vacation at the end of the month, so maybe I will be inspired then!