As I've had a break from school for 2 weeks, I have really gotten into getting Lainey's room ready and getting more things done as far as education requirements for the agency and things. I have been painting and planning and it really makes all of this so much more real for me. I had my first dream about her last week, which was scary and exciting all at the same time. Of course I can't even explain how excited I am to be able to bring her home, but at the same time, it's all so scary because we really don't know what to expect and there are so many unknowns at this point.
I have been doing some required training for the past week, and it really has been great. It gives good insight into things that could happen without making it too much more scary than it already is. I am a huge believer that the more education you can have, the easier it will make things, but this is just so huge that I'm sure years of education couldn't prepare us for it. It does make me think though...when we had Gavin, we were young and had no idea what we were doing, but somehow we figured it out. Then, we had Noah, and yeah we were a little older, but he is completely different than Gavin so it was pretty much like starting over. Not to mention that trying to figure out how to manage two kids instead of one was a challenge! Obviously we have managed to make it to this point with them...that's not to say that I feel like we know what we are doing even now though. I think every day is full of decisions that you make and you keep wondering, is this going to be the one that totally screws them up? So, I guess that gives me a little more peace about being able to parent a child that has no idea what a parent is and is also a girl (honestly, I'm probably most worried about that part!).
I was talking to a friend today (thanks Steph for being blog fodder) and she was talking about how amazing it was going to be that we can save this child from a life of who knows what to be a part of a loving, though crazy, family. While I get a little overwhelmed to think of what would become of her if we decided now to not pursue this, I can't help but think it's almost the other way. I can only think of the amazing joy that we are going to get by being able to be her parents. We have been amazingly blessed with the biological children that we have, and I can only assume that she will bless us in those ways too. I think about all of the ways we have already grown as a family in just going through this process by talking about things and making decisions about it together. She has brought us joy already and she may not even be on this earth yet. I feel every day that God is leading us to do this, and that the perfect child is going to be there waiting for us. I know that it isn't going to be all roses and kittens, but then who said being a parent was?? I think you have to live for those moments when it is, and those take you through those moments when you want to just hide under the bed and say, "mommy is on vacation!"
On that note, one last thing that has been on my mind about this whole thing....I can't stop thinking about this child's birth mother. Of all people, I am probably one of the biggest supporters of the theory that just because you birth a child, doesn't make you a mother. I honestly don't even like the term "surrogate mother" because I think that the term mother is so sacred (I think I've talked about that before). But I think a birth mother gets a whole other part on her own. We may never get to know why our child ended up where she is and why no one in her own family could take care of her, but I have to think that as a birth mother, there is nothing harder than to give up your child knowing that someone else could raise them better. I can't even fathom the pain that must cause, and the amazing strenth it must take to be able to let them go. So, even before we know she has even been born, I have been praying for that birth mother. Her selflessness and strength is going to let us have a daughter that I believe has been planned by God. There will never be words that could say thank you to her, and the only way I believe to repay her for this gift is to raise this little girl the best we know how and to let her know that we were not the only ones to love her.