I love a child that I have never met

I have been a little bummed lately with everything taking longer than I thought it would, and I'm really trying to be hopeful, but it is so hard.  When I was younger, I used to write alot, many times it would be poetry...yeah, I was a nerd, but I have accepted that now!  So, as I have been all emotional lately about things, this is what kind of came to mind.  Just stuff that I felt like I would feel better about if I got it down....


I love a child that I have never met.  I've never seen her eyes, never touched her skin, but I think of her every day.

I can't feel her kick from under my heart, but I can feel the soft whispers of her within my heart.

I haven't seen her face, I don't even know her age, but I know she is my daughter.

I don't know where she is, why she is there, or when she will come home, but I know she is loved.

I don't go to doctor appointments, I don't see her on ultrasounds, and I don't have morning sickness.  Instead I fill out paperwork, send emails, and read blogs to make myself somehow feel closer to her.

The call this "paper pregnant", and in a way that is right, but it is so much more.  It's waiting when you don't know the end, it's not knowing the life your own child is living while you wait, it's knowing you will give this child a family, but desperately wondering, "what about the others?"

This journey has been long, frustrating, overwhelming, and scary.  I sometimes wonder if I will even survive.

Then I consider your small life, and all you have endured and know that the grace of God has brought us to this place, and that He will bring us out.

Every day I wait is one day closer to you.  Every paper I sign is one step closer to you.  Every package I mail means one day less you will live without a family.

I haven't seen your face, but He has.  He has chosen you as my little girl.  He has chosen me as your mother.  He has chosen the time.  He has chosen the place.  He will bring us together when His time is right.  I will be hopeful, I will pray, and I will love you from so far away.

Each day I pray for you.  I pray the Lord will keep your belly full, that He will keep you safe, and that somehow He will let you know that I am coming to bring you home.  


"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
John 14:18

Some progress....and some new news....

Well, just a quick update tonight.  My brain is pretty well fried after a peds test tonight and a migraine last night, so I'll make this one kinda quick.  First let me say....ONLY 2 1/2 WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!!!  I'm so excited to have the summer off.  This semester has been rough to say the least, and I really need this break!

Now that that is out of the way....here is where we are at in our adoption process:  Our home study was approved by the agency this week and just went out today to USCIS.  For most of the world who doesn't what USCIS is, it's the new and improved (haha) version of INS.  Its pretty much the part of our government that says we can bring her back and will give the visa for her (well, that's my understanding anyway, I could be totally wrong).  I just fill out the forms they tell me to and send money where they tell me and trust that everything is happening like it should.  The reason that this step is so exciting is that we just need the approval from the USCIS to be able to send our dossier (fancy word for a crap ton of papers!) to China to officially be LID (log in date for China), which means that they will start the matching.  Wow....feel educated about adoption lingo now??  Technically per our agency since they have our home study they can start matching, but they said that most families are LID when they get matched.  We are hoping that we can still be LID this month since we already had our USCIS approval when we were adopting from Russia we don't have to redo fingerprints and all that and I heard from some others that have done the same switch that it actually only took a week or so to get the approval.  So...this is a pretty big step!!!  And, if you were able to follow that last paragraph, I'm impressed (steph, I know it was too long and wordy for you, I'll make sure you got it later, hehehe)

On to the new business....some of you that know me already know this, but we have had a slight, or huge depending on how you look at it, change in our plans.  It was really just a change in how some thing were worded and which box we checked....but it means that we are now trying to bring two precious Chinese angels home at the same time!!  I'll give you a minute to digest that craziness.....................yes, I said two.  I have always said I didn't want to have an odd number of children (odd children, yes, just not an odd number), so we would need two eventually.  To me, I would rather deal with the frustrations of two adopted kid home at once rather than the frustrations of all of this paperwork and process with another adoption.  Not to mention it saves alot of money in the long run (in the short run, however, it's a bit more...more about that in a bit).  So, for our part we are doing all of the paperwork to be approved for two little ones, but we still have to find a match with two in a short time frame so it still is alot to be worked out.  So, please continue to pray for us that they can find matches in the time that we need and that it won't take too long!

Back to the money thing briefly....most of you have probably seen we are doing another fundraiser garage sale.  If you haven't, then it is May 4th, and we want your stuff that you don't need anymore!!!!  In addition, we are putting together a couple more fundraisers this summer (you didn't think I would relax with my time off from school, did you?), and they are going to be really great.  One in particular I really am excited about and I think it will be an amazing day.  More to come on that, and yes, I will be trying to tap into all of the amazing talents of my amazing friends for help with that!  Thank you all so much for following us, please keep praying, and I will keep updating...who knows maybe the next one will be REALLY exciting!!!

Finally....

There is something that has been weighing on me lately, and I feel like I need to get it out.  If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you have read before, and you know that I have had the privilege of carrying three gorgeous sets of twins for three couples.  Each experience was different in its own way, but this last time was especially unique (and not because I had kankles like no one had ever seen!).  This last time, I got to help make a family for a gay couple....two amazing men who are now amazing daddies.
 Phew, I said it...not sure why I have taken so long to do this.  When we started on this last journey, we decided that we would consider a gay couple, but only on a case by case basis on how we got along with them.  Well, one dinner at Cowfish, and we were sold.  They are truly an amazing couple, and I can honestly say that those two kids will grow up with so much love that they won't know what to do!  So, I guess the only question is, why haven't I done this before?  Why did I feel the need to keep this from some others?  I guess because I am a Christian.  I think that there are so many Christians who don't accept the gay lifestyle, but I don't get that.  Why can't we love all people?  If you say that as a Christian we should follow all of the teachings of the Bible exactly, then we are all surely missing the mark...by far!  Why is this the teaching that you choose to fight with?  Why is this the thing that you decide is such an ultimate sin?  I think that we are called to love all people, not tolerate all people, and then love those that think like us.  I tried to keep the fact that I was carrying children for two men to only fairly close friends and family, mainly so I wouldn't cause some sort of uproar with many people in my church.  But, I am done with that.  I am proud of the fact that I helped to make a family that will grow in love and that they will have two parents that will teach them, accept them, and help them to become the kind of people that we should all strive to be. 
With all of the talk about gay marriage, I can't help but think, why can't marriage just be between two people who love each other?  Why do we feel the need to have control over  happiness for others?  Here is something that I know:  Happy people do not do horrible acts, they do not kill people, they do not abuse children, they do not rob banks.  They live happy lives with people they love and raise well-adjusted and happy children.  GASP!!!  How horrible!!!  Why should I as a straight person have more or different rights than a person who chooses (or just happens to) love a person of the same sex.  If you think about it, it's really just ridiculous. 
So, there it is.  Some of you wouldn't agree with what we chose to do, but then that's okay.  I know that my closest friends embraced me and "the guys" and I will forever be truly thankful for amazing friends that will accept people where they are and love them for who they are.  I will also forever be truly grateful for the lives I have been able to touch by helping them to have a family, whether it looks just like mine or not. 

Learning

Just wanted to post an update about where things are.  It has been around a month since we officially made the decision to move on to the China special needs program, and I think I am finally letting myself get excited about the prospect of still being able to get our little girl home.  I have been going through the motions to get everything done, but just in the past couple of weeks I have really started to let my heart get involved, and it is really good to be more excited than nervous again.  I know that we will come out of this better in the end, because to tell the truth I can already see so many things that it is teaching me.  Right now we have pretty much all of our paperwork for China together and we are waiting for our new home study to be completed, which (fingers crossed) will be finished within about two weeks or so.  When that is done, hopefully we can get everything on the way to China within a couple of weeks after that.  My goal is by the end of March, but right now it's out of our hands (but really, isn't it always!), and really we are waiting for clearances from other states and things for the home study.  So much like we seem like we have been doing for so long now...we wait...and I am reminded again that "wait" is an action verb...and a very hard one to handle!

It's amazing to me that many of the things I have learned have been through the boys.  I say amazing, but really they teach me so much everyday I shouldn't be surprised!  I love that they have such pure and loving thinking, and they aren't yet scarred by life experiences.  They talked about Lainey pretty much every day, and to them, she is their sister...truly doesn't matter where she comes from.  We did have a rough night when we first told them that we wouldn't be able to get her from Russia.  Noah had such a hard time and literally broke down crying because he wanted to know what would happen to all of those children in Russia who didn't have mommies and daddies.  He and I cried together at the dinner table that night about that.  It amazes me that he cares so much and that at 6 years old he can think so far outside himself.  It is so hard to have those conversations with them, but we have all grown from them.  This whole process has given us incredible opportunities to talk about things that probably wouldn't come up otherwise.  We talked the other night about how in many countries that it can be illegal to practice Christianity, and that people are put in jail because they are trying to share Jesus.  To them, this is all they know and this has brought a whole new world to them.  I don't want to scare them, but I do think it gives them a more thankful spirit about all that we have.  We have already talked about doing mission trips to help children in orphanages when they get a little older, and it couldn't make me happier to know that they want to do everything they can.  I never would have thought that this process would have led to so much growth for our family. 

I was wearing an adoption shirt the other day and they both told me they wanted one so they could be reminded of Lainey whenever they wore it!  They were so excited this weekend because we ordered them t-shirts that say Ge-Ge, written in Chinese, which means big brother.  I love that they already consider themselves her big brother.  I'm so blessed already, and I can't even imagine how much more blessed I will be with an addition to our family.  This has been a rough journey, but being able to look back already and see where we have come makes me know that when we get her home it will be more than we can even imagine!!!

A new beginning

It was a little over a year ago that we signed our contract to officially begin our journey of Russian adoption.  I was exactly a month ago that Putin decided to sign into law to ban all adoptions of Russian children to the US.  It was devastating to us, and I know that the only reason I have been able to make it through all of this is because of all of the prayers and all of the support we have gotten.  It really has been amazing to see so many people who have been praying and offering so many kind words of encouragement.  We can't even say how much we appreciate all of that and how needed it was.
As the weeks have gone by, it has gotten less and less hopeful for us and our situation.  By the grace of God, the Russian government has decided to let the people who have been to court and were just in the 30 days of waiting to bring their children home.  Those people have been to meet their children more than once and have already bonded with them, so this is a huge blessing to be able to get them home.  However, for those of us that haven't gotten a referral yet, it doesn't look very hopeful so we were left to make decisions about what to do.   There are so many things to consider.  Do we wait?  Do we give up?  Do we change to another country?  I can tell you that it really was never an option to give up.  We believe that we have been called to care for the orphan and truly feel that means that we are supposed to give a family to a child that needs one.  So, one question answered...We know that we don't want her to feel like an only child, and the thought of waiting indefinitely for Russia to change their mind didn't seem to correlate with that.  The boys are obviously getting older, and we just don't want them to be so old that they are so far ahead of her.  So, that leads us with, which country do we change to?
I didn't realize how hard that was going to be to answer.  I can't even tell you how many hours was spent researching and praying and talking about all of the options.  Many countries were counted out for many reasons, and we ended up with a short list of options that fit our family.  Because of the amount of time and money we have already spent, there were some countries that just weren't an option.  We also considered the US.  The foster/adopt system in the US is more than difficult to handle, and I couldn't bear the thought of fostering a child only to have them leave months later.  I know that my heart can't handle that, and I also don't think it would be the best for the boys.
The question then became, newborn domestic adoption...which seems great.  Newborn, not too expensive (that's a relative statement!), mostly likely healthy, and no foreign travel.  But, we know we have been called to care for the orphan, and truly there is a waiting list for most of those newborns.  It is a perfect option for many families, but for us, we don't feel like it is where we are called.  It would be easy, but then when have things we have been called to do been easy??
All that being said....we end at...China.  The current wait for the China program is something like 6 years, and that really isn't an option.  So, we are now looking at special needs.  We can handle many things as far as special needs, and obviously my training makes me capable of lots.  We know that where we are called, we are equipped, so we can do this.  We are excited to get started, and are hoping we can use at least some of what we have already done to change to this program!   Please keep praying that things will go smoothly and we can make it through this process with less "bumps".  We know that the little girl God has for us will come to us.  The path may have changed, but the outcome has not.

I was wrong (yes, I said it)

I had to do something this weekend that I rarely have to do (haha, can't even say this with a straight face!)...I had to admit that I was wrong and Jeremy was right.  I'll give you a moment to let that soak it...
Yes, I said it.  He was right, I was wrong.  Throughout all of this adoption craziness, he has pretty much not shifted.  He keeps telling me that things will work, and that we have to be patient, and that we can't give up.  While I can say that I'm doing all that, it's probably not true.  I've been crazy anxious (which you already know if you keep up with this blog), and already thinking of other options for us.  I hate to admit it, but I have felt like giving up on the whole idea of Russia...but then that means giving up on our daughter.  We can't do that. I feel terrible for even considering the option.  The night before the craziness of the day of ups and downs of different reports I was praying in her room, and in my heart, I very clearly heard a voice telling me that my daughter was in Russia, and that I had to wait.  The next day when the first report came out about them honoring the year wait, I really thought my prayers had been answered.  I think that's why it was so much harder when the next not so positive report came out.  After that, I kept trying to push the voice I heard the night before out of my head.  But, I can't.  Every other option I have looked at hasn't felt like it did when we were called to Russia.  There never really was a doubt when we started on this path, but now looking at other options, it just doesn't feel the same.  So for now, we continue on our path and wait for more information and wait for them to realize how much this ban is hurting the wrong people.

We went to an adoption workshop this Saturday at church, and while admittedly it would have probably been more helpful last year when we were at the beginning of this process, there were things that were said that really hit me.  One of the speakers was talking about what to expect with adoptions and what to be ready for.  He said that if you are going to do it, you have to commit to not give up, and you have to know that you will hit bumps, maybe big ones.  It was a matter of when, and not if.  Very true! 

So, it's been exactly a year today that we signed our contract with our agency.  And after about 100 forms and papers, and lots of frustration, and lots of money, I feel like we are at least a few steps closer to our little girl.  I am trusting that she will come home, we just don't know when.  I am praying that through all of this, I will be a good example of my faith.  I don't know His plans, and I am trusting that no matter what happens it is what is supposed to happen.  I know from experience that some of the hardest times in my life have ended up not only teaching me the most but also have had some of the most incredible rewards!!

What to do...

I'm pretty sure that any day now, Jeremy is going to take my computer privileges away.   I have pretty much become obsessive looking for any information I can find about what is going on in Russia.  I still work and take care of the boys and all, but I can tell you that I have read pretty much every article and news story about it that has come out in the past 3 weeks.  And truly....it doesn't help.  This has been such a crazy ride, and when we started we knew it wouldn't be easy, but we never expected this.  Today was one of those very bad up and down days.  We got an email around lunch time that the Kremlin announced that they would honor the year wait that they agreed to in the treaty that was signed in November with the US that said either side had to give a year notice  if they were going to stop adoptions.  We didn't know what that meant for us, but it sounded like those families that had met their children may actually be able to get them home.  That is a huge win.  I have been thinking of those families and praying for them so much.  We are in a not so fun situation, but I cannot imagine the heartbreak they are experiencing.  Within in just a couple of hours, another report came  out saying that no matter what was just said, it didn't change anything and no more Russian children would be coming to the US....BAM....again my heart sank.  To go from having this small ray of hope to having it sucked right back out again is almost more than I can handle. 

My emotions right now are all over the place.  I feel peaceful at one moment and feel like everything will be okay, and then the next day I'm feeling hopeless like things will never work and I will never hold my baby girl in my arms.  One part of me thinks that it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on, it seems like it would be easier.  But, I know I can't do that.  She is out there, and I know deep in my heart that one day we will get her home, and she will be the child that He meant for us to have.  Yeah, I can say all of that so easily and make it seem like I'm okay and I'm not on the verge of a breakdown at any given moment, but just ask my husband...I'm not okay with this.  I tend to put on the strong, no worries, all is good face when I'm out and about, but I'll tell you that when I'm home it's not really like that.  I hate to admit it, but I'm not that strong woman all of the time (seriously, who is??)  I really don't even think I would be able to even breathe without Jeremy talking me down off the ledge on almost a daily basis.  I love that he is so level headed (at least he acts like he is), and that he can stay calm and not have the emotional freakout like me.  We make a good pair that way.  I know that he is also worried about all of this and how things will turn out, but he is always the first to remind me that we are working on HIS plan, and that we are working in HIS time, and that we need to trust and rely on HIM.  So much easier said than done.  This is the biggest and hardest thing I have ever had to give up control of, and I don't like it.  I said it... I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 

I feel like I am all over the place (as evidenced by this post that is pretty all over the place).  It has been almost exactly a year since we signed our contract with the agency to start this journey, and here we are...exactly where He knew we would be.  I will keep praying, and I will keep working on the trust, and I will keep going on taking care of the two incredible boys I have already been blessed with.  I believe our baby will come home to us, this is what we have been called to, and we will keep doing what we are doing until we are directed otherwise...