Thursday, January 10, 2013

What to do...

I'm pretty sure that any day now, Jeremy is going to take my computer privileges away.   I have pretty much become obsessive looking for any information I can find about what is going on in Russia.  I still work and take care of the boys and all, but I can tell you that I have read pretty much every article and news story about it that has come out in the past 3 weeks.  And doesn't help.  This has been such a crazy ride, and when we started we knew it wouldn't be easy, but we never expected this.  Today was one of those very bad up and down days.  We got an email around lunch time that the Kremlin announced that they would honor the year wait that they agreed to in the treaty that was signed in November with the US that said either side had to give a year notice  if they were going to stop adoptions.  We didn't know what that meant for us, but it sounded like those families that had met their children may actually be able to get them home.  That is a huge win.  I have been thinking of those families and praying for them so much.  We are in a not so fun situation, but I cannot imagine the heartbreak they are experiencing.  Within in just a couple of hours, another report came  out saying that no matter what was just said, it didn't change anything and no more Russian children would be coming to the US....BAM....again my heart sank.  To go from having this small ray of hope to having it sucked right back out again is almost more than I can handle. 

My emotions right now are all over the place.  I feel peaceful at one moment and feel like everything will be okay, and then the next day I'm feeling hopeless like things will never work and I will never hold my baby girl in my arms.  One part of me thinks that it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on, it seems like it would be easier.  But, I know I can't do that.  She is out there, and I know deep in my heart that one day we will get her home, and she will be the child that He meant for us to have.  Yeah, I can say all of that so easily and make it seem like I'm okay and I'm not on the verge of a breakdown at any given moment, but just ask my husband...I'm not okay with this.  I tend to put on the strong, no worries, all is good face when I'm out and about, but I'll tell you that when I'm home it's not really like that.  I hate to admit it, but I'm not that strong woman all of the time (seriously, who is??)  I really don't even think I would be able to even breathe without Jeremy talking me down off the ledge on almost a daily basis.  I love that he is so level headed (at least he acts like he is), and that he can stay calm and not have the emotional freakout like me.  We make a good pair that way.  I know that he is also worried about all of this and how things will turn out, but he is always the first to remind me that we are working on HIS plan, and that we are working in HIS time, and that we need to trust and rely on HIM.  So much easier said than done.  This is the biggest and hardest thing I have ever had to give up control of, and I don't like it.  I said it... I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 

I feel like I am all over the place (as evidenced by this post that is pretty all over the place).  It has been almost exactly a year since we signed our contract with the agency to start this journey, and here we are...exactly where He knew we would be.  I will keep praying, and I will keep working on the trust, and I will keep going on taking care of the two incredible boys I have already been blessed with.  I believe our baby will come home to us, this is what we have been called to, and we will keep doing what we are doing until we are directed otherwise...

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