Before I get started, let me just say that this is not a totally original thought for me. As crazy as it sounds, I got it from the Golden Girls. Probably no one but Jeremy really knows how much I love that show, but for whatever reason it's one of my favorites! So, if you are an avid watcher like me, you may recognize it. That being said, here's my thoughts for the day (or week, or month, whatever):
These days at any given moment I tend to have a wide range of emotions, and its pretty hard to be able to say what they are given that most of the time it's such a mixture. I'm going to say that I'm feeling magenta. I'm feeling a little blue, because this process of adoption has really taken its toll on me, and some days are harder than others. I'm feeling a little red, because some days I get so angry still that we are sitting here waiting with open arms and an open room for our girls but they are somewhere without us. I'm feeling a little yellow, because honestly, I am still scared because they aren't in my arms yet. After what happened with Russia, I don't think that I will ever feel confident that things will work like I think they will, and until I have them home, I won't breath that sigh of relief. When they are here, they are ours, finally, and only God himself will be able to take them from me.
Lastly, and not proudly, I feel green....with envy that is. Don't get me wrong, when I read about people who are traveling to get their children in days, weeks, or are there with them now, I am so happy that these kids won't have to spend another day without knowing what it feels like to have a family and to have someone that will be there when they wake up EVERY day, and that will tell them they love them EVERY day. I think that the little things are so important when it comes to family. I'm sure that my kids will remember our trip to Disney, and that they will remember so many wonderful things we will do, but what I hope they remember is story time at bedtime, having water fights, and jumping on the trampoline together. That's what family is. Wow....not sure where that little detour came from....back to my green. Like I said, I am over the moon happy for those families being united forever, truly truly happy. But, I am also truly, truly jealous. Yep, jealous...not just a little, but so much that it hurts. I know that they have waited and waited and have been in the same place I am, but most days, I don't care. I want my babies, I want my family to be together, I want to love them and tuck them in at night, and see their faces when they wake up in the morning. Some days I'm a little more green than others, and I really am trying to not be selfish, but let me tell you...it's not easy.
So, the blue, red, yellow, and green probably makes so horrible color like chartruese or something, but I like the color magenta, so I'm going with that. And, like I said, I'm not especially proud of all of this going on inside, but it is what it is. This process has brought out emotions that I never even knew I had, and I'm sure that bringing our children home will bring things out in me I never knew were there also. I am so thankful for those friends and family that have listened to me, and who have rolled with me through all of our ups and downs. We are getting to the good stuff, I promise!! We should get our last paper we need this week and then everything (after 5 people sign off on it) can go to China. We have been able to be matched for a couple of weeks now, but most people are matched after everything goes to China, so we are hopeful we can make some progress soon. I keep thinking that once we can at least see their faces that things will be better....but then I have to think that it might be even harder to wait to get to them!! As another adoptive mom told me, "going through this process is like slowly having your fingernails removed"....couldn't have said it better...magenta......