Dear UPS

Dear UPS (and people who work there),
    I feel I need to somehow explain to you why I have called at least 6 times about my package that wasn't picked up on time and is now getting to me 4 days later than I had planned.  It really isn't because the actual papers in there are so important I can't live without them, it isn't because when I get them I will win a million dollars, and it isn't because I'm just neurotic and need things to be on time (well, to be fair maybe it's a little of that).  No, it's not really any of those things....it's because that small package of papers is the last step before everything can go to China and let them know that we have a home for two of their precious children.  And, when they get back to me four days late, then they get through all the other processes 4 days later, and that means that we have to wait another week to tell China that we are ready.
   I realize to normal people that a week is really nothing. 7 days....168 hours....and after over a year of all of this a week isn't much in the grand scheme of things.  But, this is how I see a week:  it's a week longer that my children have to be somewhere without a mommy and a daddy to hug them and tell them they love them every day.  It's 7 days longer without medical attention that they likely desperately need.  It's 168 hours without knowing that someone loves them so much they will move heaven and earth to make sure they know that they will ALWAYS be loved and be able to count on them, no matter what.  So, while I realize that a week is just a week, to me it's so much more.  It's another week without getting to rock my babies to sleep and to watch them drift off in my arms.  It's 7 days of wondering if they are fed, safe, and healthy.  It's 168 hours of loving children that I don't know and won't know when I will get to feel them in my arms.
   I do know that everything happens in His time, and I do trust that it will all work, but today I'm just having one of those days where I just want to be mad.  I am mad that while I am such an amazingly blessed girl, there is part of my heart that I so far away, and I won't have it back until they are home.  So, yes, a week is a week....but this is what it is like to me:  If you had to send your children somewhere, and didn't know who was taking care of them, if they would have enough to eat, or if they would get medical attention if need, or if someone would give them a hug and kiss goodnight, How long would that week feel to you?  I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but if I'm being honest, that is what it feels like to me.  I don't know how it works, but I love my girls as much as I love my boys, and at this point every day feels like an eternity, so a week....well, let's just say it means something to me.
    So, UPS, while that package might just be a couple of papers to you, it's much much more to me.  It's one step closer to my children having a family, and while I understand things happen....it's still hard to make it okay in my mind.  Even if it is just a week.....

Magenta

Before I get started, let me just say that this is not a totally original thought for me.  As crazy as it sounds, I got it from the Golden Girls.  Probably no one but Jeremy really knows how much I love that show, but for whatever reason it's one of my favorites!  So, if you are an avid watcher like me,  you may recognize it.  That being said, here's my thoughts for the day (or week, or month, whatever):

These days at any given moment I tend to have a wide range of emotions, and its pretty hard to be able to say what they are given that most of the time it's such a mixture.  I'm going to say that I'm feeling magenta.  I'm feeling a little blue, because this process of adoption has really taken its toll on me, and some days are harder than others.  I'm feeling a little red, because some days I get so angry still that we are sitting here waiting with open arms and an open room for our girls but they are somewhere without us.  I'm feeling a little yellow, because honestly, I am still scared because they aren't in my arms yet.  After what happened with Russia, I don't think that I will ever feel confident that things will work like I think they will, and until I have them home, I won't breath that sigh of relief.  When they are here, they are ours, finally, and only God himself will be able to take them from me. 

Lastly, and not proudly, I feel green....with envy that is.  Don't get me wrong, when I read about people who are traveling to get their children in days, weeks, or are there with them now, I am so happy that these kids won't have to spend another day without knowing what it feels like to have a family and to have someone that will be there when they wake up EVERY day, and that will tell them they love them EVERY day.  I think that the little things are so important when it comes to family.  I'm sure that my kids will remember our trip to Disney, and that they will remember so many wonderful things we will do, but what I hope they remember is story time at bedtime, having water fights, and jumping on the trampoline together.  That's what family is.  Wow....not sure where that little detour came from....back to my green.  Like I said, I am over the moon happy for those families being united forever, truly truly happy.  But, I am also truly, truly jealous.  Yep, jealous...not just a little, but so much that it hurts.  I know that they have waited and waited and have been in the same place I am, but most days, I don't care.  I want my babies, I want my family to be together, I want to love them and tuck them in at night, and see their faces when they wake up in the morning.  Some days I'm a little more green than others, and I really am trying to not be selfish, but let me tell you...it's not easy. 

So, the blue, red, yellow, and green probably makes so horrible color like chartruese or something, but I like the color magenta, so I'm going with that.  And, like I said, I'm not especially proud of all of this going on inside, but it is what it is.  This process has brought out emotions that I never even knew I had, and I'm sure that bringing our children home will bring things out in me I never knew were there also.  I am so thankful for those friends and family that have listened to me, and who have rolled with me through all of our ups and downs.  We are getting to the good stuff, I promise!!  We should get our last paper we need this week and then everything (after 5 people sign off on it) can go to China.  We have been able to be matched for a couple of weeks now, but most people are matched after everything goes to China, so we are hopeful we can make some progress soon.  I keep thinking that once we can at least see their faces that things will be better....but then I have to think that it might be even harder to wait to get to them!!  As another adoptive mom told me, "going through this process is like slowly having your fingernails removed"....couldn't have said it better...magenta......