Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Through my daughter's eyes

Let me start by saying, I never dreamed I would be able to call a post that!  A gives me chills!  Anyway....I have had WAY too much time to think lately, and I can't help but think about how differently we will view all of this than she will.  I constantly think of feeling her in my arms, getting to hug and kiss her, and just the simple things like being able to tuck her in and check on her while she sleeps.  As a mom to 2 biological children, this is what I remember about when I had my boys.  I remember being able to just hold them constantly, letting them sleep on my chest, and my absolute favorite, rocking them and watching them drift off to sleep.  But, as I think about that, I start to think of stories I hear of adopted children not wanting to be held, not wanting to be rocked, and just zoning out for the first few days with new parents.  I have heard many other stories also, and while we have educated ourselves, we are really ready for that, but hoping we won't have those struggles.  All of these stories have really made me stop and think about the process from the perspective of this beautiful brown eyed girl.

Right now I have her picture up at my desk and I look at it all day long.  She is in an orphanage, and doesn't know (and wouldn't really understand if she did know) that she has a family that loves her and is coming to get her as soon as we are allowed.  She may have memories of a mom and a dad that probably loved her very much, but didn't have the resources to care for her.  In the orphanage, she will have different "nannies" caring for her daily, and hopefully she has been able to bond to at least one or two of them.  But, they are not her mother.  I will never know how she was taken care of, and after much reading about the orphanage system, I'm not sure I want to know how she was treated, I think it  might be too much for me to handle.  Then, on a cold day a few months from now, someone she likely may have only seen a few times will put her in a car, which is something she may have never been in, and take her to a hotel, which she has never seen.  This person she doesn't know will give her to two people she has never seen, who don't look anything like anyone she has ever known.  We will smell different, talk different, and eat different things.  And then....she will be alone with complete strangers.  I can't even fathom how terrifying that will be for her, and it breaks my heart to think of how scary that will be for her.

So, not only does she get left with these strangers, we will then take her to many appointments, many people talking to her and at her, and her not really understanding what is going on.  She will likely be compliant, mainly just because she will be much like a deer in headlights and not know what else to do.  There will be medical tests and blood draws, and then.....we will put her in a giant bird and her ears will pop, and she won't be able to get out and play, and this will be another new and scary experience.  So, in a matter of two weeks, she will leave everything she has ever known to go to a place she has never been with total strangers.  Wow......I cannot even imagine......

We will do everything we can like send a photo book to her so that hopefully her nannies can show her our family before we get there so that maybe we won't be total strangers.  We will give her space if she needs it, and we will give her as much love as we possibly can.  I will say now, that I may explode if she doesn't like to be hugged and cuddled, but I will do my best to make it on her time.  I am scared in a different way, but scared the same.  I am scared that her special needs will be more than we know, and that we won't be able to handle that.  I'm scared that there are demons in her past that we will never really know, but that will haunt her.  I'm scared that she won't bond with us.  I'm scared that she won't love me like I love scared.  I want so much for this little girl, and still can't believe that this is really going to happen.  I pray for her that she is being well taken care of, I pray that she somehow knows that someone very far away loves her more than anything, I pray that her heart will be opened to us when we get to have her with us, I pray that I can see happiness in her eyes instead of the sadness that I see in our pictures.  I pray we will get there SOON!!!!!!

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