Six Months....

Six months ago today, this was the only glimpse we had of a little girl who was going to be our daughter.....we were on our way to the province of Lanzhou where we would meet this little one.  I still can't describe what that feels like.  I was excited, scared, overwhelmed, and just plain terrified all at the same time.  We really had no idea what to expect.  We didn't know if she would cry, scream, shut down...or if we would!! 

Six months ago tomorrow.....we drove up to the hotel in Lanzhou, and as we were driving by, I spotted our girl being carried in a bright pink coat.  I swear I thought I was going to choke on my heart, it was so far up in my throat!!  I knew it was her, I had stared at those pictures for months!!  I didn't even know what to do when they walked into the hotel lobby with her, and put her in a stroller next to me.  I so much wanted to pick her up and squeeze her, but I didn't want to scare her, and with the 5 people (almost all men), standing around staring, to say that it was awkward is an understatement!!  I can still remember her dark eyes looking at me, but really just being blank....it's so hard to believe now that they were ever like that.  This is the first day that she was with us...October 20th

She wasn't crying, she wasn't screaming, but she wasn't really there....pretty sure she was pretty zoned out because of being overwhelmed at everything.   I still can't believe how well she did when being given over to these white people who looked nothing like anyone she had ever seen, speaking a language different than she had ever heard, and knowing no one she was familiar with.  If I was in that situation, I would be crying and screaming!!!

Six months ago Monday....Wu YuanQing became Lainey Wu Ashe, officially our daughter, officially a sister, officially a granddaughter....what an amazing day.  Like her, I think I was also in a daze, I hardly remember most of it, except for looking at pictures.  I think it's much like when I went through labor and delivery with the boys....I really can't remember most of that either, but I remember holding them, hugging them, loving them.

I remember the fingerprints, footprints, lots of signing and making sure things were spelled right and written right.  It's a good thing that Jeremy is good at that sort of practical stuff, because I'm pretty sure my brain was mush at that point!!  I had gotten all of the paperwork done and together up until that point, but was done after that!  This picture is the first picture of us with Lainey Wu Ashe, our daughter (well, the first one after it was official anyway!).  It still almost seem surreal to me.  It has been six months, and I know that we missed almost 3 years of her life, but most of the time it seems like she has been with us forever.  I can't imagine life without her crazy hair in the morning, without her sweet smile when she's playing, her laugh when you tickle her.  I won't lie and say it's been a totally easy road.  It's not easy to throw a toddler into a family who is essentially a stranger and to just be totally in love as a mother (although I thought it would be).  That love takes time to grow, and it has.  I feel more and more like her "mama" every day.  Every time she pulls my head down to kiss her goodnight one more time, I get a step closer.  Every time I give her a hug and feel her little arms wrap around my neck, I'm a little deeper.  Every time she snuggles into my lap at bedtime when we rock, I feel more bonded....and that is the miracle.  I know what it feels like to carry a child, and love that child from the moment you know you are pregnant.  Now I know what it feels like to love a child that  didn't carry in my belly, but carried for months in my heart. 

This is the little girl that I know now....

 Silly, fun, happy, and difficult to get a picture of without her tongue hanging out!!

It just hit me this week that her 6 month anniversary of gotcha day is on Easter.  What an awesome picture of new beginnings.  Easter brings us new life in Christ, a new beginning, a hope that we couldn't have otherwise.  Lainey brought us a new life, a new normal, a new beginning in our family.  Our sacrifices we made to bring her home are nothing compared to the sacrifice Christ made for us, when we didn't deserve it.  We are so so so blessed, and are just so thankful for all of our new beginnings and new life!!!

GRRRRRR.....

If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you know that our adoption journey started with us being called to adopt our little one from Russia.  Jeremy and I were both very sure that this is where God was leading us, and so that is where we started.  After a year of paperwork and much time and money spent, the president of Russia, Putin, decided that Americans could no longer adopt children from Russia, and placed the ban on US adoptions.  We of course were devastated, but knew that God still had plans for us to adopt, so we made a detour and absolutely ended up with the little girl that was meant to be our daughter.  We now have zero doubt that she was meant to be part of our family, and wouldn't change a thing.

That being said....with all of the coverage of the Olympics, it seriously makes my blood boil every time I see Putin putting on this show for the world to see.  I know that I should be over it, as we obviously are thrilled with our outcome, but I can't help but think of all of those children that have been left and all but forgotten by their president.  This show that is being put on makes Russia seem like it is a place that in reality it is not.  There are pictures of the people living without plumbing and electricity living just minutes from beautiful structures built just for the Olympics.  I wish that the Russian government would take even a fraction of the interest that they are putting into the Olympics and put it into their forgotten children.  I realize that these orphans don't bring money to the country, and they don't make the president look good to the world, but they are humans....they are lives....they are tiny beings that are being forgotten. 

I know that I need to get over this...but after knowing what is going on there, it's not something you "get over".  You can't ignore the fact that children are dying EVERY DAY.  Children are laying for days in a crib with no attention.  Children are learning that there is no reason to cry because it doesn't do them any good and they are becoming numb.  Children are going hungry, feeling cold, and feeling no love, no affection, no warmth.  I guess that seeing this circus being put on really brings these feelings to the surface for me.  It's wrong....that is a fact.  It's something that happens all over, not just in Russia.  It is something that most of us can't truly fathom.  It's reality, and my heart still breaks to know that children like my daughter are left every day to learn to comfort themselves instead of having a family to bring them comfort. 

Changes

This is the picture I saw as I opened an envelope from the government....it's a picture of Lainey that was taken while we were in China, on the day that we had our medical appointment.  I seriously hardly recognize her!  I guess that much like the boys growing so much, I don't notice it as much when I see them every day, I haven't realized how much she has changed in the 3 months (almost) since we came home.  This is a picture I took last week....

Wow...shocks me every time!  It's so hard to even believe that is the same child.  I have posted before about how much progress she has made, but I still can't hardly believe it.  She's such a brave little girl!!  We took her to Sports Connection, and she wasn't too thrilled with the bounce houses, but after her awesome big brothers got her bouncing, she didn't want to leave!

She was so happy to be on that slide with her brothers!  They had so much fun, and it was so great to watch the boys really step up and be such great brothers to her, and to help her get over the fear of things.  I have told people that I know she is happy to have parents, but I think she is even more happy to have her brothers!  She loves them so much.  When she wakes up from her nap before they get home, she will watch at the window for them, and gets so giddy when she sees the bus.  It's really great.  She has come so far, and in the past few weeks has really gone from this kid with "orphanage behavior" of just always being compliant to pushing back a bit.  While it's great to have a kid who does whatever you ask, it's much better to have a kid who is starting to trust that no matter what we will still love her and be here for her, so she feels like she can be herself.  She's a pretty feisty girl, and I love that about her.  I think it probably helped her in those two years in an orphanage to get what she wants!  Just another picture to share....she's come so far, but still loves her noodles!!

10 weeks

Wow, 10 weeks home...in some ways is so hard to believe that it has been 10 weeks since we got off that plane and finally made it home.  In other ways, it seems like it's been a lifetime, because at this point I couldn't imagine Lainey not being here.  Funny how that works.  To say that she is doing well is really an understatement.  She's doing incredible.  She has learned so many new things, and it amazes me everyday to see how resilient a little person can be. 

That first night we got home, she cried and screamed like I've never heard when she saw the dogs....now they are really her best friends.  She hugs and kisses them at least 20 times a day, and every time I go up to get her out of bed, they are waiting at the door to see her!

She was scared at first when we would throw her around, and now she trusts us and absolutely loves to be thrown around and flipped upside down.  She knows that we will catch her, and that we won't let her fall.

She has been pretty smitten with the boys (and them with her) since we got home, but now she cannot go to bed without hugs and kisses every night, and makes sure that she gets at least one from each of them.

She was a little skittish around Jeremy when we first got home, and really wouldn't let him hold her, especially when I was around.  This morning I watched as she snuggled up next to him under the blanket and laid with him.

She really didn't even know what to do with all of the toys we had, and I remember her really just walking around and looking at things and just not seeming to know what to do with them.  Now, I watch her play in her kitchen, dance with her stuffed animals, and have sword fights with her brothers.

She was very compliant with everything when we first got home, aside from the screaming about the dogs, she never really cried or really let out any emotion.  Her personality is really coming out, and we get some tears when she's sad or mad about something, and we get crossed arms and a "hmpf" when you tell her no.  As much as I love a compliant kid, it's great that she is starting to trust us and trust that we love her enough that she can start to be herself.  Every day we get a little more of her personality.

She's really learned so much that it's hard to even keep up with.  Silly things like being able to take off her own pants and socks, and put on her own shoes and socks. Learning to say please when she wants something instead of pointing and whining.  Going up and down the stairs.  Playing paddycake, kissing her baby dolls, and making dinner for the dog in her kitchen.  All things that are new....and amazing.

With the cousins at Grandma's house

She has been in that kitchen so much since Christmas!!

The Difference of a Year

To say that this Thanksgiving we were thankful is probably the biggest understatement EVER.  We have been thankful for years for all that we have been blessed with, I mean, seriously....even before this year it was overwhelming.  But, I got to sit next to my daughter at the Thanksgiving table...my daughter.....incredible.  She sat happily eating turkey and green beans (no, she's not a normal toddler!), and had no idea why her mommy was about to well up with tears.  I truly feel like we are living a real life miracle in our house every day.  We have been home a little over a month, and I can't imagine now not seeing her smile every day when she wakes up, or hearing her laugh when she's sword fighting with the boys!  It really does feel like she's been here all along, even though I am reminded all of the time how much we missed in those first years of her life.  We have so much time to make up for, and I plan to do that every day!

After the turkey was cleaned up and the pumpkin pie was eaten, the Christmas decorating could begin.  As we were getting decorations out and put up, I ran across this:

I swear it almost took my breath away to see it.  We bought this last year around this time, and it hung on our tree until we took it down.  However, it was almost a year ago that the ban was signed, and we didn't know what was going to happen.  I remember sitting at the table on Christmas Eve (we got Chinese take out, ironically), and I was really feeling numb.  It hurt too much to be celebrating Christmas while not knowing what was going to happen to our daughter.  At this point we didn't have pictures of her, we didn't know what her eyes looked like, what her hair looked like, or even how old she was, but we thought God was telling us she was in Russia.  It was so hard to be joyful at such a wonderful time of year, even though we knew that we had already been blessed so much.  Fast forward, and most of you know the story....we realized that was a detour since our Lainey wasn't quite ready for us to go get her!  So, this year we get these sorts of pictures instead:

For whatever reason, she is insistent the camel goes on the roof!

The boys were working on cutting down a tree...i worked on a candy cane instead!

I was so blessed to watch all three of my children decorate the tree (twice...but that's another story) this year.  The boys helped Lainey put ornaments on, and it really overwhelmed my heart to watch.  Now she is in a home where she can learn about CHRISTmas.  She can learn that she has a family that has adopted her and loves her, but so much more than that, she has a God that loves her and adopted her into His family.  A God that loves her so much that He sent these crazy people called mommy and daddy halfway around the world.  Just. To. Get. HER.

As blessed as we are, and as overwhelmed with joy as we are to have her home and in our arms every day, I can't help but look at this ornament and think of the children that are still waiting in Russia.  I will never know their fate, but I know that it cannot be what is best for them.  I still pray for a change of heart, and that they will let these orphans become a part of their forever family, no matter what country that family is in.  It is heartbreaking that they have become political pawns, and no child should ever have to live without knowing what it feels like to be loved and wanted.  Please keep praying for these children, that they will somehow know that even though they have been abandoned by their worldly parents, their Father loves them, and they will one day be able to feel that love.  It makes my heart hurt to know that children are dying not ever knowing what it is like to be loved so much that you can't even put it into words.  Please pray for their little hearts.

One week

I swear that somehow when you become a parent, you move into this vortex of time where it just flies by without you even knowing it.  I can't believe that we have been home an entire week already!!  Could be the fact that at least for the first couple of days I was in a bit of a daze from jetlag, but truly, I was pretty lucky there.  I've heard it takes about two weeks, but I felt better in about two days.  I may be the exception though too since our girl likes to sleep, and mommy is just fine with that!!

We are starting to settle into our new "normal"....yes, I realize we will never be normal, but you know what I mean!  I can't say it's not a little hard to give up my quiet days and to have to constantly have someone following behind me, but when I see her face with that scrunched up smile, it makes it just a bit more tolerable :)

Girl loves some noodles!!

I keep telling Jeremy that we must have hit some sort of adoption jackpot.  Lainey has transitioned to our family better than we ever expected.  She has gotten over the dog thing really quickly, and she will even pet them now!  She's sleeping well in her own crib in her own room, and she's loving all of the new foods she's having!  We have had several sweet friends bring us dinner this week, and she has really loved all of it, which is such a blessing.  She's already managed to sit through hours of tae kwon do with the boys, and tonight was even yelling and dancing with Gavin and the demo team during practice.  I don't know how we hit the lottery, but I'm just going to sit back and say thank you. 

Lots of pink around here now!

I'm also trying to adjust to being a stay home mom, which is very difficult for me.  I tend to keep busy (I know, that may be a bit of an understatement), and normally have full time work, grad school, the two kids, adoption, and then throw in there being pregnant here and there....and now I have, well, nothing except taking care of kids!  Don't get me wrong, I love being able to spend time with my kids, but I can see already that I have a strong potential for becoming a very lazy mommy.  So, I will have to come up with some projects for sure!  I have about 10 dresses waiting for me, so that will be the first order of business next week.  Maybe I  can teach Lainey to sew and she can be my tiny little helper!

Oh no...shopping already!

On another note, I had someone tonight tell me that he thought he had been feeling the "call" to adopt for a little while now, and that seeing us made him think about it more.  He didn't know if his wife was also feeling it, but I can't tell you how happy it makes me to think that someone else that we know may take this path.  It isn't something that everyone can do, but for those that feel that call and that pull, I can tell you that the rewards are far greater than the trouble to get here.  Much like a difficult pregnancy where you instantly forget everything as soon as you hold that sweet baby, all of the paperwork and waiting dissolves the first time she smiles, looks up, and calls you "mama".

Doesn't get much better :)

So close to home

Well friends, we are less than 24 hours from getting on a plane to head home.  I will say, this trip has given me new appreciation for our wonderful country.  We have problems, but it is amazing!!!  There are so many things that I have taken for granted for years that I have found a new appreciation for.  Being able to drink water out of the tap, being able to have something REALLY cold to drink, and some of the social gestures like a man holding the door for me, or someone letting me go in front because I'm pushing a stroller!  I truly miss the male chivalry that I've grown so accustomed to, and I appreciate my husband for being that kind of guy so much more now. 

It has been a long trip for sure.  I never thought I would survive leaving the boys for two weeks, but knowing they were home having fun with their friends and doing their tae kwon do, and being taken so well care of by my parents has made it so much easier.  That being said, I can't wait to get my arms around them!!!!  They are such troopers with all of this, and they are so excited to meet their sister.  She has been carrying around the book we sent to her for the last 10 days and today she started kissing their pictures.  With her smile, all the boys in our house are in big trouble!  I've already told her that cute won't take her quite as far with me as it does with daddy!

She has already learned that when she takes her bows out, she has to take them to daddy to get them back in, mommy has stopped that game already!

We are so ready to be back with our family and friends.  I think I have also taken for granted my friends, and being able to go next door or pick up the phone and call.  It is such a needed thing to have amazing friends, and I do.  We have been able to keep up with some notes and messages, but nothing beats spending a couple of hours just talking and being together.  It's hard to go through something like this without them.  I can't wait to have her meet them! 

For now, we are planning to take things one day at a time and see how she does.  We have been so blessed here, and her behavior has been amazing, and are hoping of course it keeps up, but who knows!  We are going to try to not overwhelm her with too many people, but here she has loved to go out and be around people, so I think she will be okay.  No parties for a little, but we do want to see everyone!!

These are the 5 kiddos from our travel group.  This pretty much sums it up...the little girl on the left is looking for her mom, who is trying to hide behind the couch so she doesn't scream.  It was just as funny to watch as it seems :)

This is our travel group.  It was a great group of people to travel with, it was nice to have other families to go through all of this with!

A girl's gotta have shoes, right?

Just a little side note while speaking of shoes.  If you see Jeremy, be sure to check out his feet.  We were out shopping with a guide and while on the subway, she looked down, and went nuts over his feet.  She told him that he could make alot of money as a Chinese foot model, as his feet were "perfect".  Who knew??  Guess maybe he missed his calling.  Guess if the restaurant has problems, we would have other avenues to explore....hehehe