Dear UPS

Dear UPS (and people who work there),
    I feel I need to somehow explain to you why I have called at least 6 times about my package that wasn't picked up on time and is now getting to me 4 days later than I had planned.  It really isn't because the actual papers in there are so important I can't live without them, it isn't because when I get them I will win a million dollars, and it isn't because I'm just neurotic and need things to be on time (well, to be fair maybe it's a little of that).  No, it's not really any of those things....it's because that small package of papers is the last step before everything can go to China and let them know that we have a home for two of their precious children.  And, when they get back to me four days late, then they get through all the other processes 4 days later, and that means that we have to wait another week to tell China that we are ready.
   I realize to normal people that a week is really nothing. 7 days....168 hours....and after over a year of all of this a week isn't much in the grand scheme of things.  But, this is how I see a week:  it's a week longer that my children have to be somewhere without a mommy and a daddy to hug them and tell them they love them every day.  It's 7 days longer without medical attention that they likely desperately need.  It's 168 hours without knowing that someone loves them so much they will move heaven and earth to make sure they know that they will ALWAYS be loved and be able to count on them, no matter what.  So, while I realize that a week is just a week, to me it's so much more.  It's another week without getting to rock my babies to sleep and to watch them drift off in my arms.  It's 7 days of wondering if they are fed, safe, and healthy.  It's 168 hours of loving children that I don't know and won't know when I will get to feel them in my arms.
   I do know that everything happens in His time, and I do trust that it will all work, but today I'm just having one of those days where I just want to be mad.  I am mad that while I am such an amazingly blessed girl, there is part of my heart that I so far away, and I won't have it back until they are home.  So, yes, a week is a week....but this is what it is like to me:  If you had to send your children somewhere, and didn't know who was taking care of them, if they would have enough to eat, or if they would get medical attention if need, or if someone would give them a hug and kiss goodnight, How long would that week feel to you?  I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but if I'm being honest, that is what it feels like to me.  I don't know how it works, but I love my girls as much as I love my boys, and at this point every day feels like an eternity, so a week....well, let's just say it means something to me.
    So, UPS, while that package might just be a couple of papers to you, it's much much more to me.  It's one step closer to my children having a family, and while I understand things happen....it's still hard to make it okay in my mind.  Even if it is just a week.....

Magenta

Before I get started, let me just say that this is not a totally original thought for me.  As crazy as it sounds, I got it from the Golden Girls.  Probably no one but Jeremy really knows how much I love that show, but for whatever reason it's one of my favorites!  So, if you are an avid watcher like me,  you may recognize it.  That being said, here's my thoughts for the day (or week, or month, whatever):

These days at any given moment I tend to have a wide range of emotions, and its pretty hard to be able to say what they are given that most of the time it's such a mixture.  I'm going to say that I'm feeling magenta.  I'm feeling a little blue, because this process of adoption has really taken its toll on me, and some days are harder than others.  I'm feeling a little red, because some days I get so angry still that we are sitting here waiting with open arms and an open room for our girls but they are somewhere without us.  I'm feeling a little yellow, because honestly, I am still scared because they aren't in my arms yet.  After what happened with Russia, I don't think that I will ever feel confident that things will work like I think they will, and until I have them home, I won't breath that sigh of relief.  When they are here, they are ours, finally, and only God himself will be able to take them from me. 

Lastly, and not proudly, I feel green....with envy that is.  Don't get me wrong, when I read about people who are traveling to get their children in days, weeks, or are there with them now, I am so happy that these kids won't have to spend another day without knowing what it feels like to have a family and to have someone that will be there when they wake up EVERY day, and that will tell them they love them EVERY day.  I think that the little things are so important when it comes to family.  I'm sure that my kids will remember our trip to Disney, and that they will remember so many wonderful things we will do, but what I hope they remember is story time at bedtime, having water fights, and jumping on the trampoline together.  That's what family is.  Wow....not sure where that little detour came from....back to my green.  Like I said, I am over the moon happy for those families being united forever, truly truly happy.  But, I am also truly, truly jealous.  Yep, jealous...not just a little, but so much that it hurts.  I know that they have waited and waited and have been in the same place I am, but most days, I don't care.  I want my babies, I want my family to be together, I want to love them and tuck them in at night, and see their faces when they wake up in the morning.  Some days I'm a little more green than others, and I really am trying to not be selfish, but let me tell you...it's not easy. 

So, the blue, red, yellow, and green probably makes so horrible color like chartruese or something, but I like the color magenta, so I'm going with that.  And, like I said, I'm not especially proud of all of this going on inside, but it is what it is.  This process has brought out emotions that I never even knew I had, and I'm sure that bringing our children home will bring things out in me I never knew were there also.  I am so thankful for those friends and family that have listened to me, and who have rolled with me through all of our ups and downs.  We are getting to the good stuff, I promise!!  We should get our last paper we need this week and then everything (after 5 people sign off on it) can go to China.  We have been able to be matched for a couple of weeks now, but most people are matched after everything goes to China, so we are hopeful we can make some progress soon.  I keep thinking that once we can at least see their faces that things will be better....but then I have to think that it might be even harder to wait to get to them!!  As another adoptive mom told me, "going through this process is like slowly having your fingernails removed"....couldn't have said it better...magenta......

I love a child that I have never met

I have been a little bummed lately with everything taking longer than I thought it would, and I'm really trying to be hopeful, but it is so hard.  When I was younger, I used to write alot, many times it would be poetry...yeah, I was a nerd, but I have accepted that now!  So, as I have been all emotional lately about things, this is what kind of came to mind.  Just stuff that I felt like I would feel better about if I got it down....


I love a child that I have never met.  I've never seen her eyes, never touched her skin, but I think of her every day.

I can't feel her kick from under my heart, but I can feel the soft whispers of her within my heart.

I haven't seen her face, I don't even know her age, but I know she is my daughter.

I don't know where she is, why she is there, or when she will come home, but I know she is loved.

I don't go to doctor appointments, I don't see her on ultrasounds, and I don't have morning sickness.  Instead I fill out paperwork, send emails, and read blogs to make myself somehow feel closer to her.

The call this "paper pregnant", and in a way that is right, but it is so much more.  It's waiting when you don't know the end, it's not knowing the life your own child is living while you wait, it's knowing you will give this child a family, but desperately wondering, "what about the others?"

This journey has been long, frustrating, overwhelming, and scary.  I sometimes wonder if I will even survive.

Then I consider your small life, and all you have endured and know that the grace of God has brought us to this place, and that He will bring us out.

Every day I wait is one day closer to you.  Every paper I sign is one step closer to you.  Every package I mail means one day less you will live without a family.

I haven't seen your face, but He has.  He has chosen you as my little girl.  He has chosen me as your mother.  He has chosen the time.  He has chosen the place.  He will bring us together when His time is right.  I will be hopeful, I will pray, and I will love you from so far away.

Each day I pray for you.  I pray the Lord will keep your belly full, that He will keep you safe, and that somehow He will let you know that I am coming to bring you home.  


"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
John 14:18

Some progress....and some new news....

Well, just a quick update tonight.  My brain is pretty well fried after a peds test tonight and a migraine last night, so I'll make this one kinda quick.  First let me say....ONLY 2 1/2 WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!!!  I'm so excited to have the summer off.  This semester has been rough to say the least, and I really need this break!

Now that that is out of the way....here is where we are at in our adoption process:  Our home study was approved by the agency this week and just went out today to USCIS.  For most of the world who doesn't what USCIS is, it's the new and improved (haha) version of INS.  Its pretty much the part of our government that says we can bring her back and will give the visa for her (well, that's my understanding anyway, I could be totally wrong).  I just fill out the forms they tell me to and send money where they tell me and trust that everything is happening like it should.  The reason that this step is so exciting is that we just need the approval from the USCIS to be able to send our dossier (fancy word for a crap ton of papers!) to China to officially be LID (log in date for China), which means that they will start the matching.  Wow....feel educated about adoption lingo now??  Technically per our agency since they have our home study they can start matching, but they said that most families are LID when they get matched.  We are hoping that we can still be LID this month since we already had our USCIS approval when we were adopting from Russia we don't have to redo fingerprints and all that and I heard from some others that have done the same switch that it actually only took a week or so to get the approval.  So...this is a pretty big step!!!  And, if you were able to follow that last paragraph, I'm impressed (steph, I know it was too long and wordy for you, I'll make sure you got it later, hehehe)

On to the new business....some of you that know me already know this, but we have had a slight, or huge depending on how you look at it, change in our plans.  It was really just a change in how some thing were worded and which box we checked....but it means that we are now trying to bring two precious Chinese angels home at the same time!!  I'll give you a minute to digest that craziness.....................yes, I said two.  I have always said I didn't want to have an odd number of children (odd children, yes, just not an odd number), so we would need two eventually.  To me, I would rather deal with the frustrations of two adopted kid home at once rather than the frustrations of all of this paperwork and process with another adoption.  Not to mention it saves alot of money in the long run (in the short run, however, it's a bit more...more about that in a bit).  So, for our part we are doing all of the paperwork to be approved for two little ones, but we still have to find a match with two in a short time frame so it still is alot to be worked out.  So, please continue to pray for us that they can find matches in the time that we need and that it won't take too long!

Back to the money thing briefly....most of you have probably seen we are doing another fundraiser garage sale.  If you haven't, then it is May 4th, and we want your stuff that you don't need anymore!!!!  In addition, we are putting together a couple more fundraisers this summer (you didn't think I would relax with my time off from school, did you?), and they are going to be really great.  One in particular I really am excited about and I think it will be an amazing day.  More to come on that, and yes, I will be trying to tap into all of the amazing talents of my amazing friends for help with that!  Thank you all so much for following us, please keep praying, and I will keep updating...who knows maybe the next one will be REALLY exciting!!!

Finally....

There is something that has been weighing on me lately, and I feel like I need to get it out.  If you are reading this, there is a good chance that you have read before, and you know that I have had the privilege of carrying three gorgeous sets of twins for three couples.  Each experience was different in its own way, but this last time was especially unique (and not because I had kankles like no one had ever seen!).  This last time, I got to help make a family for a gay couple....two amazing men who are now amazing daddies.
 Phew, I said it...not sure why I have taken so long to do this.  When we started on this last journey, we decided that we would consider a gay couple, but only on a case by case basis on how we got along with them.  Well, one dinner at Cowfish, and we were sold.  They are truly an amazing couple, and I can honestly say that those two kids will grow up with so much love that they won't know what to do!  So, I guess the only question is, why haven't I done this before?  Why did I feel the need to keep this from some others?  I guess because I am a Christian.  I think that there are so many Christians who don't accept the gay lifestyle, but I don't get that.  Why can't we love all people?  If you say that as a Christian we should follow all of the teachings of the Bible exactly, then we are all surely missing the mark...by far!  Why is this the teaching that you choose to fight with?  Why is this the thing that you decide is such an ultimate sin?  I think that we are called to love all people, not tolerate all people, and then love those that think like us.  I tried to keep the fact that I was carrying children for two men to only fairly close friends and family, mainly so I wouldn't cause some sort of uproar with many people in my church.  But, I am done with that.  I am proud of the fact that I helped to make a family that will grow in love and that they will have two parents that will teach them, accept them, and help them to become the kind of people that we should all strive to be. 
With all of the talk about gay marriage, I can't help but think, why can't marriage just be between two people who love each other?  Why do we feel the need to have control over  happiness for others?  Here is something that I know:  Happy people do not do horrible acts, they do not kill people, they do not abuse children, they do not rob banks.  They live happy lives with people they love and raise well-adjusted and happy children.  GASP!!!  How horrible!!!  Why should I as a straight person have more or different rights than a person who chooses (or just happens to) love a person of the same sex.  If you think about it, it's really just ridiculous. 
So, there it is.  Some of you wouldn't agree with what we chose to do, but then that's okay.  I know that my closest friends embraced me and "the guys" and I will forever be truly thankful for amazing friends that will accept people where they are and love them for who they are.  I will also forever be truly grateful for the lives I have been able to touch by helping them to have a family, whether it looks just like mine or not. 

Learning

Just wanted to post an update about where things are.  It has been around a month since we officially made the decision to move on to the China special needs program, and I think I am finally letting myself get excited about the prospect of still being able to get our little girl home.  I have been going through the motions to get everything done, but just in the past couple of weeks I have really started to let my heart get involved, and it is really good to be more excited than nervous again.  I know that we will come out of this better in the end, because to tell the truth I can already see so many things that it is teaching me.  Right now we have pretty much all of our paperwork for China together and we are waiting for our new home study to be completed, which (fingers crossed) will be finished within about two weeks or so.  When that is done, hopefully we can get everything on the way to China within a couple of weeks after that.  My goal is by the end of March, but right now it's out of our hands (but really, isn't it always!), and really we are waiting for clearances from other states and things for the home study.  So much like we seem like we have been doing for so long now...we wait...and I am reminded again that "wait" is an action verb...and a very hard one to handle!

It's amazing to me that many of the things I have learned have been through the boys.  I say amazing, but really they teach me so much everyday I shouldn't be surprised!  I love that they have such pure and loving thinking, and they aren't yet scarred by life experiences.  They talked about Lainey pretty much every day, and to them, she is their sister...truly doesn't matter where she comes from.  We did have a rough night when we first told them that we wouldn't be able to get her from Russia.  Noah had such a hard time and literally broke down crying because he wanted to know what would happen to all of those children in Russia who didn't have mommies and daddies.  He and I cried together at the dinner table that night about that.  It amazes me that he cares so much and that at 6 years old he can think so far outside himself.  It is so hard to have those conversations with them, but we have all grown from them.  This whole process has given us incredible opportunities to talk about things that probably wouldn't come up otherwise.  We talked the other night about how in many countries that it can be illegal to practice Christianity, and that people are put in jail because they are trying to share Jesus.  To them, this is all they know and this has brought a whole new world to them.  I don't want to scare them, but I do think it gives them a more thankful spirit about all that we have.  We have already talked about doing mission trips to help children in orphanages when they get a little older, and it couldn't make me happier to know that they want to do everything they can.  I never would have thought that this process would have led to so much growth for our family. 

I was wearing an adoption shirt the other day and they both told me they wanted one so they could be reminded of Lainey whenever they wore it!  They were so excited this weekend because we ordered them t-shirts that say Ge-Ge, written in Chinese, which means big brother.  I love that they already consider themselves her big brother.  I'm so blessed already, and I can't even imagine how much more blessed I will be with an addition to our family.  This has been a rough journey, but being able to look back already and see where we have come makes me know that when we get her home it will be more than we can even imagine!!!

A new beginning

It was a little over a year ago that we signed our contract to officially begin our journey of Russian adoption.  I was exactly a month ago that Putin decided to sign into law to ban all adoptions of Russian children to the US.  It was devastating to us, and I know that the only reason I have been able to make it through all of this is because of all of the prayers and all of the support we have gotten.  It really has been amazing to see so many people who have been praying and offering so many kind words of encouragement.  We can't even say how much we appreciate all of that and how needed it was.
As the weeks have gone by, it has gotten less and less hopeful for us and our situation.  By the grace of God, the Russian government has decided to let the people who have been to court and were just in the 30 days of waiting to bring their children home.  Those people have been to meet their children more than once and have already bonded with them, so this is a huge blessing to be able to get them home.  However, for those of us that haven't gotten a referral yet, it doesn't look very hopeful so we were left to make decisions about what to do.   There are so many things to consider.  Do we wait?  Do we give up?  Do we change to another country?  I can tell you that it really was never an option to give up.  We believe that we have been called to care for the orphan and truly feel that means that we are supposed to give a family to a child that needs one.  So, one question answered...We know that we don't want her to feel like an only child, and the thought of waiting indefinitely for Russia to change their mind didn't seem to correlate with that.  The boys are obviously getting older, and we just don't want them to be so old that they are so far ahead of her.  So, that leads us with, which country do we change to?
I didn't realize how hard that was going to be to answer.  I can't even tell you how many hours was spent researching and praying and talking about all of the options.  Many countries were counted out for many reasons, and we ended up with a short list of options that fit our family.  Because of the amount of time and money we have already spent, there were some countries that just weren't an option.  We also considered the US.  The foster/adopt system in the US is more than difficult to handle, and I couldn't bear the thought of fostering a child only to have them leave months later.  I know that my heart can't handle that, and I also don't think it would be the best for the boys.
The question then became, newborn domestic adoption...which seems great.  Newborn, not too expensive (that's a relative statement!), mostly likely healthy, and no foreign travel.  But, we know we have been called to care for the orphan, and truly there is a waiting list for most of those newborns.  It is a perfect option for many families, but for us, we don't feel like it is where we are called.  It would be easy, but then when have things we have been called to do been easy??
All that being said....we end at...China.  The current wait for the China program is something like 6 years, and that really isn't an option.  So, we are now looking at special needs.  We can handle many things as far as special needs, and obviously my training makes me capable of lots.  We know that where we are called, we are equipped, so we can do this.  We are excited to get started, and are hoping we can use at least some of what we have already done to change to this program!   Please keep praying that things will go smoothly and we can make it through this process with less "bumps".  We know that the little girl God has for us will come to us.  The path may have changed, but the outcome has not.