Almost there....so many emotions

If you have been following along, you will know that we are getting close to having our Lainey in our arms!  One week from tomorrow we will get on a plane, then another plane, and then be on our way to China.  One week....just one week.  They will bring her to us on that Sunday, which is Jeremy's birthday (happy birthday daddy!!!!), and her adoption should actually be legally finalized on that Monday, the 21st.  She will be ours.  Forever.  I have already talked about the traumatic events that lead up to this day, and we will be trying to remember everything she's gone through before she gets to us, and try to remember that everything will be new to her also.

As we are so filled with overwhelming joy, I can't help but think of the incredible loss that has had to happen for us to be allowed to have her as part of our family.  She has a biological mother.  Words can't express the admiration and love that I feel for this woman.  I cannot fathom how difficult it must have been to make the decision to give your child up in the hope that she could have a better life, even if that is with someone else.  I look at my boys, and I cannot even think of what my circumstances would have to be to make that my best option.  I so wish that there was some way to let her know that her baby is loved, she will be taken care of, and that she will grow up in a family that will love her like she was born into our family.  I wonder if she goes to sleep thinking of what happened to her, I wonder if she has brothers and sisters, I wonder if she ever regrets that difficult decision.  I admire the strength she must have had to birth this child and care for her for months (she was not a newborn when found), and then have to wrap her up and leave her.  I wonder if she watched to make sure that someone found her, I wonder if she walks by where she left her and thinks of her.

For now, I can pray for this incredible woman.  I can pray that somehow she will know that she will be loved by another mother, that she will be loved by her other daddy, and that she will be loved by her brothers and other family.  I can pray that her heart can heal from this loss, and that she can have peace that she made the right decision.  I can pray that Lainey will always know that she is so blessed to have been loved by this first mommy, and that because she loved her so much, she also gets to be loved by this second mommy.  I can pray that there is enough room in her heart to accept me as her mommy and know that I couldn't love her more if I did carry her.  I know that being a mommy is so much more than carrying and delivering a baby, it's love, it's hard decisions, and it's trying to do what is best.  Lainey is so blessed that both of her mommies love her so much and will do whatever they can to give her the best life possible.  I hope that in some way this first mommy can know what a blessing this little one is to us.  We truly feel that God has led us to this exact child at this exact time, and could not be more blessed by the opportunity to be her parents.

Side Effects

I've been a nurse for more than 10 years, and I've heard about side effects from medications most of my nursing days.  Lately I've been thinking of all of the things that have changed over the past almost two years that we have been pursuing our little girl, and I realized that they are much like side effects to medications!  There are many that I will be more than happy to see go when all of this is over and we can move on to "normal" life, but I know that there are many that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I think that is probably a good thing.  I've said before that all of this changes you, there is no way around that, and maybe it's a  good thing.  Here's the side effects I've been experiencing (and I think these are mild compared to the ones you hear on every drug commercial on tv!)

1.   Losing your mind slowly.  Slow to the point that you just look up one day from crying over a blog to realize that you.  have.  lost.  it.  You have a hard time thinking of anything other than this adoption, and wonder why everyone else isn't as obsessive as you about it!
2.  A small....well....maybe not so small, obsession with email.  I cannot even count the number of times a day I refresh my email when I'm waiting for an answer.  I wonder, why the agency hasn't emailed me back when I emailed them an ENTIRE hour ago!!  Don't they know that I need to know right now!!! (see number 1). 
3.  I speak an entirely new language now.  It's full of things like special focus, GUZ numbers, and other fun things like USCIS (I know you are curious now).  There really should be an entire dictionary just for adoption.  Just ask anyone going through a Chinese adoption what their LID, PA. or LOA is, and they will  know you are part of the "in" club!
4.  I have become much more gutsy.  A few years ago I would have never really stepped out and gone door to door to businesses to ask for donations.  I would have never felt comfortable asking for help with things related to anything I was doing.  Now, I find myself still somewhat uncomfortable asking for help, but have found that I will do whatever I need to to get her home!  There is a strength that I have found from admitting I can't do it all myself....wow, did I just write that??  Must have something to do with number 1!!
5.  I have really started to see some incredible good in people.  I have met a group of people who are willing to advocate fiercely for children who need homes.  I have seen people adopting children with special needs that most of us would run screaming from.  These are children that many times get the label of "unadoptable".  Stop for a moment and think about that word.  I'm thankful that our God never labeled me with that, as I'm certain I probably deserve.  I have also been truly overwhelmed by people we know and even those we don't know offering to do whatever they can to help.  They pray, they donate, and they offer words of encouragement that mean so much to us.  I've had people contact me to donate things for us to take to the orphanage (people I have never met).  There really is so much good in this world, and I refuse to believe otherwise.  I smiled the other day when we got the update about Lainey and it described her as "optimistic".  That's right, my sweet girl....there is so much good.
6.  I've started to realize that my quote at the top of my page is maybe not all correct.  "you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it"....maybe.  But maybe I was given this life and these ups and downs so that I would realize that I CAN'T do it on my own.  Maybe the struggles we go through are to remind us that sometimes we need to get down on our knees and ask for help.  I know for a fact that I could not have gotten through this past year without His help.  I am learning to lean more on my faith.  I can see more and more where His plan is always best.  Case in point....Lainey's adoption paperwork was done around the time that Russian adoption was banned.  She is specific to our agency, and this is not the agency that we worked with for Russia.  We had to change, and lost alot of money doing that, but didn't have a choice.  Another mama waiting for her match for a little girl from China reviewed her file and she and her husband prayed and knew that God was telling them she wasn't theirs.  It's because of that that I felt that we could look at her file.  She was so touched by this little girl that she had been praying for her to find her family.  She lives just up the road from us and will get to meet her when she gets home.  If that's not a "God thing", I don't know what is!!

The side effects of all of this are surely painful some days.  But, as we say in the medical world, the benefit outweighs the side effects.  I can't even explain how our benefit outweighs all of our side effects!!!  Please keep praying for us as we get through these next steps. 

A healthy dose of guilt

I have found over the past nine years of being a mom that there is nothing more potent than "mom guilt".  From the time I was pregnant, I was already feeling like maybe I wasn't doing everything I could to make my child's life perfect.  Maybe I should only eat organic food, maybe I should get more exercise, maybe I should stay away from that guy in room 16 with TB...you know, the usual mom guilt stuff.  I have found that instead of getting better over time, this only gets worse.  This summer has been unusually full of that mom guilt, so let me just put in out on the table now....

1.  Yes, I'm excited that the kids are going back to school.  Yes, I love my kids more than I ever dreamed possible, but while trying to work from home and be with them, it's been a rough summer.  I have loved getting to spend more time with them than usual, but I think we are all ready to be back in our "normal" routine

2.  Yes, my kids played WAY too many video games and watched entirely too much TV this summer.  I was certain that the American Academy of Pediatrics was going to come beat down my door any day for them watching more than 2 hours a day....2 hours....yeah, we got that beat by a landslide.  That being said, Gavin is now a master at Minecraft!  (if you have kids this age, you know what this is)

3.  No, we did not do our summer reading like we were supposed to.  I'm pretty sure at the end of the year there was some sort of "bingo" game that came home for us to read books and fill in the squares.  I'm also pretty sure in the next couple of days we will get many reminders to send those in soon, and I will feel a stab of guilt each time I hear that reminder.

4.  Yes, our house was pretty much a wreck all summer.  Between work, and hanging out with the boys, the last thing I wanted to do was clean.  Though I did teach the boys to clean a bathroom this summer...guess that's one thing we accomplished.

So, in that respect, I feel like the epic fail of moms....and I know that one day they will be in therapy talking about how I didn't care enough to make sure they did their reading bingo over the summer....But, there were a few things we did get done....

1.  We went bowling together, and we laughed when Gavin and Noah both beat me!

2.  I heard my boys say more than once, "Mommy, I like hanging out with you"

3.  I watched Gavin teach Noah how to play games on the iPad like a big brother should, and watched Noah actually take direction from him, which for Noah is a pretty huge accomplishment

4.  I watched my boys show all of their friends that came to the house the picture of their little sister, and tell them how we were going to China to get her.  I've never heard so much pride about being a big brother, that it brought tears to my eyes many times

5.  We had movie nights under the blankets with popcorn, painted pottery, and ate ice cream....all for the most part without a schedule

I guess maybe I didn't have a total fail this summer.  I will remember this as my last summer with just the boys, and I am amazed at what great kids they are.  I'm so thankful that they have such open hearts, and I am so excited to add our little girl to the mix and to see her grow and learn from the best big brothers a girl could have. 

Best. Adoption. Day. Ever

Well, I'll say the best adoption day ever...at least until they put her in my arms and I can squeeze her for the first time!  I'm sure you all know by now (since I was posting like I was being paid per post today!)  that we got our approval (in half the time we were expecting it!) today.  This means we should travel in November...did you hear me???  NOVEMBER!!!!  I have been on my knees praying that we would get our approval in time to travel in December to have her with us for Christmas, and never even dreamed we would get there sooner!  If you know me, you know I cried when they called.  Now I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sleep or get anything else done for the next three months while we wait!  The good news is that the boys and I both start back to school next week, and I will be furiously trying to get as many clinical hours in as I can before we travel so that I don't miss anything for school.  

On to the good part...even though you have already seen these on FB....you know I have to add some here too!!!

Seriously...is she gorgeous, or what???

Yeah, she's into that guitar.  Ironically, that's the same look I get from Noah on a daily basis!

 Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and supporting us.  It's been a rocky road, but we KNOW that this little girl is the one that was meant for us, and we just had to take a little detour to get here.  I am once again reminded that His plans are far greater than ours could ever be.  We are so thankful for the blessing of being able to bring this little one home.  We know that the she is going to bless our family so much more than we could ever deserve.  While most people look at her as the lucky one for getting a family and being "saved"....it's just not it.  We are not "saving" her from something.  We are being blessed by bringing her home.  She is already part of our family, she's just living a little too far away right now! 

Through my daughter's eyes

Let me start by saying, I never dreamed I would be able to call a post that!  A daughter...wow...still gives me chills!  Anyway....I have had WAY too much time to think lately, and I can't help but think about how differently we will view all of this than she will.  I constantly think of feeling her in my arms, getting to hug and kiss her, and just the simple things like being able to tuck her in and check on her while she sleeps.  As a mom to 2 biological children, this is what I remember about when I had my boys.  I remember being able to just hold them constantly, letting them sleep on my chest, and my absolute favorite, rocking them and watching them drift off to sleep.  But, as I think about that, I start to think of stories I hear of adopted children not wanting to be held, not wanting to be rocked, and just zoning out for the first few days with new parents.  I have heard many other stories also, and while we have educated ourselves, we are really ready for that, but hoping we won't have those struggles.  All of these stories have really made me stop and think about the process from the perspective of this beautiful brown eyed girl.

Right now I have her picture up at my desk and I look at it all day long.  She is in an orphanage, and doesn't know (and wouldn't really understand if she did know) that she has a family that loves her and is coming to get her as soon as we are allowed.  She may have memories of a mom and a dad that probably loved her very much, but didn't have the resources to care for her.  In the orphanage, she will have different "nannies" caring for her daily, and hopefully she has been able to bond to at least one or two of them.  But, they are not her mother.  I will never know how she was taken care of, and after much reading about the orphanage system, I'm not sure I want to know how she was treated, I think it  might be too much for me to handle.  Then, on a cold day a few months from now, someone she likely may have only seen a few times will put her in a car, which is something she may have never been in, and take her to a hotel, which she has never seen.  This person she doesn't know will give her to two people she has never seen, who don't look anything like anyone she has ever known.  We will smell different, talk different, and eat different things.  And then....she will be alone with complete strangers.  I can't even fathom how terrifying that will be for her, and it breaks my heart to think of how scary that will be for her.

So, not only does she get left with these strangers, we will then take her to many appointments, many people talking to her and at her, and her not really understanding what is going on.  She will likely be compliant, mainly just because she will be much like a deer in headlights and not know what else to do.  There will be medical tests and blood draws, and then.....we will put her in a giant bird and her ears will pop, and she won't be able to get out and play, and this will be another new and scary experience.  So, in a matter of two weeks, she will leave everything she has ever known to go to a place she has never been with total strangers.  Wow......I cannot even imagine......

We will do everything we can like send a photo book to her so that hopefully her nannies can show her our family before we get there so that maybe we won't be total strangers.  We will give her space if she needs it, and we will give her as much love as we possibly can.  I will say now, that I may explode if she doesn't like to be hugged and cuddled, but I will do my best to make it on her time.  I am scared in a different way, but scared the same.  I am scared that her special needs will be more than we know, and that we won't be able to handle that.  I'm scared that there are demons in her past that we will never really know, but that will haunt her.  I'm scared that she won't bond with us.  I'm scared that she won't love me like I love her.....so scared.  I want so much for this little girl, and still can't believe that this is really going to happen.  I pray for her that she is being well taken care of, I pray that she somehow knows that someone very far away loves her more than anything, I pray that her heart will be opened to us when we get to have her with us, I pray that I can see happiness in her eyes instead of the sadness that I see in our pictures.  I pray we will get there SOON!!!!!!

Amazing

As I sit here, I'm not really sure what I want to write, but feel like I need to.  We have had a wonderful couple of weeks of progress and I wanted to make sure I share and say thank you.  First, let me start by saying thank you to everyone who has supported us by sharing all of our facebook posts and emails and have gotten so many people to share in our journey and to be a part of our raffle!  It has been overwhelming to watch people we have never met be willing to share their money with us to bring our baby home and follow in our journey.  I really can't tell you what that means to us, I'm feeling more than blessed with all of this.  When we started this journey, we believed we were on the path that had been set out for us, and we believed that if we followed where we were being led, then God would give us the resources we needed to finish his plans.  We have had a few detours in the plan, and we have lost more money than I can think about without wanting to cry, but truly, He is providing for us, and it is through people that are willing to open their hearts to us, whether they know us or not.  Right now, we have about $12,000 left to pay for, which includes the travel expenses and orphanage donations (which is really the only money I will very happily give), and more fees to our government and China.  It's still a little overwhelming, but definitely in the "doable" range, and getting closer and closer to doable every day!

In addition to this raffle and the upcoming online auction, we found out just yesterday that we have been approved for a matching grant of $3000 through Lifesong and our church.  What an awesome blessing!!!!  What this means, is that people can donate (tax-deductible) through our Lifesong account and whatever is donated up to $3000 will be matched.  So, if we get $3000 in donations, we will have $6000....wow, awesome.....I will put this information on the bottom of this post if you would feel led to donate to our account.  Truly, what we need the most is for everyone to keep praying.  We feel it, I promise, and can say that I really feel like prayer is the ONLY thing that is holding me together through all of the ups and downs of this process!

So....we still can't post pictures of our little one....but I can tell you that we have hit a couple very important milestones in the process, and we are making progress, little by little.  We have gotten our PA, which means that China has given us pre-approval and they will review our file in regards to this specific child to see if they will approve us (there really is no reason we can see they wouldn't, but it's still up to them).  We have also gotten LID, which means they have all of our paperwork, and it will be translated and the full review will be done.  We don't really know how long that will take, since they have a new system and there's no "normal" now.  it used to take 2-4 months, and we are of course hoping for a quick as possible!!  We still have a chance to get her home before Christmas, so that is our prayer right now.  As soon as our next approval comes (LOA), then you will see some beautiful pictures right here!

One other update...we have been praying about the second of our little ones, and feel like right now isn't the right time.  We don't know for sure if we will be called back later, but if we are, we will go to get her.  We plan to focus on Lainey and getting her settled and all of the potential medical care she needs, and getting her adjusted to having a family.


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35 years....wow....

Well, it's my last night as a person under 35....I seriously don't know how I got this old!!  I've never been a person to really make a big deal about birthdays, and I figure I feel old every morning, so I'm not sure tomorrow will be any different!  I've also never really had a list of things to do before I was 35, or anything like that, so I can't really go through and "check-off" things that I wanted to do.  I'm pretty certain that any list I may have made years ago would not have had all of the things on it I have done in these past 35 years!!  I can't even say that I never thought I would have this life....because I don't think I would have dreamed up my life in my wildest dreams!  I think at this point God looks down on me and says....hmmm...now, lets try this!!!

To say that my life is fairly unique I think is probably an understatement, but truly I feel like even though most people look at the things I have done and would say they were wonderful things to do for others, I can honestly say they have blessed me more than I could have ever imagined.  I would have never imagined that I would be a southern girl going to a baptist church, and listening to Christian music on the radio.  I never thought that "falling" into a nursing career would lead me to such an amazing gift of being able to pursue my passion while being paid.  I would have never guessed that the guy that was a total goof ball and totally turned me off would be the most perfect mate I could have imagined.  I mean, seriously...a girl with a 4th of July birthday married to the pyromaniac that loves fireworks??  who else could have orchestrated that but God himself??  I always thought that I would have children, but no way could I have known the joy that they would bring to my life...until you have them, you can never know.  And, when I thought I would have children, pretty sure it never crossed my mind that I would carry children for others.  Who could have guessed that being blessed with easy (well...mostly) pregnancies would allow me to bless and be blessed by 3 families and 6 children??  Pretty sure no one saw that one coming!!  I would not have said never to the idea of adoption years ago, but I think I always saw it as something you would do if you couldn't have children...hahaha, how wrong was I??  And here I sit looking at a picture of the most beautiful little girl living halfway around the world who has no idea that I pray for her everyday and can't wait to have her in my arms...who else but my God??

I think the biggest thing I have learned in these 35 years is that sure, I can make some plans...but then I can also laugh and say, okay...whatever You say!!  I am a control freak at heart, and I try to keep it together, but I am slowly learning to let go just a little and enjoy the ride.  Obviously His plans are far greater than anything I could ever imagine for my life, He has shown me that time and time again!  I am okay with being older, with being a little wiser, and a little closer to who I'm supposed to be.  I am so excited to see what the next 35 years has to bring.  I can't even name all of the blessings that I have been given, and it really does overwhelm me sometimes to think about.  I am so thankful for the blessings that may have been painful at the time, but have proven to be some of the greatest things in my life.  I'm sure that as I sit here and think about what those next 35 years will bring, He is up there just laughing and saying...you ain't seen nothing yet!!!