A new beginning

It was a little over a year ago that we signed our contract to officially begin our journey of Russian adoption.  I was exactly a month ago that Putin decided to sign into law to ban all adoptions of Russian children to the US.  It was devastating to us, and I know that the only reason I have been able to make it through all of this is because of all of the prayers and all of the support we have gotten.  It really has been amazing to see so many people who have been praying and offering so many kind words of encouragement.  We can't even say how much we appreciate all of that and how needed it was.
As the weeks have gone by, it has gotten less and less hopeful for us and our situation.  By the grace of God, the Russian government has decided to let the people who have been to court and were just in the 30 days of waiting to bring their children home.  Those people have been to meet their children more than once and have already bonded with them, so this is a huge blessing to be able to get them home.  However, for those of us that haven't gotten a referral yet, it doesn't look very hopeful so we were left to make decisions about what to do.   There are so many things to consider.  Do we wait?  Do we give up?  Do we change to another country?  I can tell you that it really was never an option to give up.  We believe that we have been called to care for the orphan and truly feel that means that we are supposed to give a family to a child that needs one.  So, one question answered...We know that we don't want her to feel like an only child, and the thought of waiting indefinitely for Russia to change their mind didn't seem to correlate with that.  The boys are obviously getting older, and we just don't want them to be so old that they are so far ahead of her.  So, that leads us with, which country do we change to?
I didn't realize how hard that was going to be to answer.  I can't even tell you how many hours was spent researching and praying and talking about all of the options.  Many countries were counted out for many reasons, and we ended up with a short list of options that fit our family.  Because of the amount of time and money we have already spent, there were some countries that just weren't an option.  We also considered the US.  The foster/adopt system in the US is more than difficult to handle, and I couldn't bear the thought of fostering a child only to have them leave months later.  I know that my heart can't handle that, and I also don't think it would be the best for the boys.
The question then became, newborn domestic adoption...which seems great.  Newborn, not too expensive (that's a relative statement!), mostly likely healthy, and no foreign travel.  But, we know we have been called to care for the orphan, and truly there is a waiting list for most of those newborns.  It is a perfect option for many families, but for us, we don't feel like it is where we are called.  It would be easy, but then when have things we have been called to do been easy??
All that being said....we end at...China.  The current wait for the China program is something like 6 years, and that really isn't an option.  So, we are now looking at special needs.  We can handle many things as far as special needs, and obviously my training makes me capable of lots.  We know that where we are called, we are equipped, so we can do this.  We are excited to get started, and are hoping we can use at least some of what we have already done to change to this program!   Please keep praying that things will go smoothly and we can make it through this process with less "bumps".  We know that the little girl God has for us will come to us.  The path may have changed, but the outcome has not.

I was wrong (yes, I said it)

I had to do something this weekend that I rarely have to do (haha, can't even say this with a straight face!)...I had to admit that I was wrong and Jeremy was right.  I'll give you a moment to let that soak it...
Yes, I said it.  He was right, I was wrong.  Throughout all of this adoption craziness, he has pretty much not shifted.  He keeps telling me that things will work, and that we have to be patient, and that we can't give up.  While I can say that I'm doing all that, it's probably not true.  I've been crazy anxious (which you already know if you keep up with this blog), and already thinking of other options for us.  I hate to admit it, but I have felt like giving up on the whole idea of Russia...but then that means giving up on our daughter.  We can't do that. I feel terrible for even considering the option.  The night before the craziness of the day of ups and downs of different reports I was praying in her room, and in my heart, I very clearly heard a voice telling me that my daughter was in Russia, and that I had to wait.  The next day when the first report came out about them honoring the year wait, I really thought my prayers had been answered.  I think that's why it was so much harder when the next not so positive report came out.  After that, I kept trying to push the voice I heard the night before out of my head.  But, I can't.  Every other option I have looked at hasn't felt like it did when we were called to Russia.  There never really was a doubt when we started on this path, but now looking at other options, it just doesn't feel the same.  So for now, we continue on our path and wait for more information and wait for them to realize how much this ban is hurting the wrong people.

We went to an adoption workshop this Saturday at church, and while admittedly it would have probably been more helpful last year when we were at the beginning of this process, there were things that were said that really hit me.  One of the speakers was talking about what to expect with adoptions and what to be ready for.  He said that if you are going to do it, you have to commit to not give up, and you have to know that you will hit bumps, maybe big ones.  It was a matter of when, and not if.  Very true! 

So, it's been exactly a year today that we signed our contract with our agency.  And after about 100 forms and papers, and lots of frustration, and lots of money, I feel like we are at least a few steps closer to our little girl.  I am trusting that she will come home, we just don't know when.  I am praying that through all of this, I will be a good example of my faith.  I don't know His plans, and I am trusting that no matter what happens it is what is supposed to happen.  I know from experience that some of the hardest times in my life have ended up not only teaching me the most but also have had some of the most incredible rewards!!

What to do...

I'm pretty sure that any day now, Jeremy is going to take my computer privileges away.   I have pretty much become obsessive looking for any information I can find about what is going on in Russia.  I still work and take care of the boys and all, but I can tell you that I have read pretty much every article and news story about it that has come out in the past 3 weeks.  And truly....it doesn't help.  This has been such a crazy ride, and when we started we knew it wouldn't be easy, but we never expected this.  Today was one of those very bad up and down days.  We got an email around lunch time that the Kremlin announced that they would honor the year wait that they agreed to in the treaty that was signed in November with the US that said either side had to give a year notice  if they were going to stop adoptions.  We didn't know what that meant for us, but it sounded like those families that had met their children may actually be able to get them home.  That is a huge win.  I have been thinking of those families and praying for them so much.  We are in a not so fun situation, but I cannot imagine the heartbreak they are experiencing.  Within in just a couple of hours, another report came  out saying that no matter what was just said, it didn't change anything and no more Russian children would be coming to the US....BAM....again my heart sank.  To go from having this small ray of hope to having it sucked right back out again is almost more than I can handle. 

My emotions right now are all over the place.  I feel peaceful at one moment and feel like everything will be okay, and then the next day I'm feeling hopeless like things will never work and I will never hold my baby girl in my arms.  One part of me thinks that it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on, it seems like it would be easier.  But, I know I can't do that.  She is out there, and I know deep in my heart that one day we will get her home, and she will be the child that He meant for us to have.  Yeah, I can say all of that so easily and make it seem like I'm okay and I'm not on the verge of a breakdown at any given moment, but just ask my husband...I'm not okay with this.  I tend to put on the strong, no worries, all is good face when I'm out and about, but I'll tell you that when I'm home it's not really like that.  I hate to admit it, but I'm not that strong woman all of the time (seriously, who is??)  I really don't even think I would be able to even breathe without Jeremy talking me down off the ledge on almost a daily basis.  I love that he is so level headed (at least he acts like he is), and that he can stay calm and not have the emotional freakout like me.  We make a good pair that way.  I know that he is also worried about all of this and how things will turn out, but he is always the first to remind me that we are working on HIS plan, and that we are working in HIS time, and that we need to trust and rely on HIM.  So much easier said than done.  This is the biggest and hardest thing I have ever had to give up control of, and I don't like it.  I said it... I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 

I feel like I am all over the place (as evidenced by this post that is pretty all over the place).  It has been almost exactly a year since we signed our contract with the agency to start this journey, and here we are...exactly where He knew we would be.  I will keep praying, and I will keep working on the trust, and I will keep going on taking care of the two incredible boys I have already been blessed with.  I believe our baby will come home to us, this is what we have been called to, and we will keep doing what we are doing until we are directed otherwise...

Here we are...in limbo

Since the law was signed banning all US adoptions from Russia, I haven't been able to stop reading about it and trying to get as much information as I can.  Unfortunately, there isn't much to be had.  Right now we are in somewhat of a holding pattern still until the Russians come back from holiday around the week of the 7th (or 14th depending on who you hear it from).  Our government is urging them to at least follow the treaty that was signed in November that says they need to at least give a year of notice if they are going to back out of it.  Also, I'm reading that some of the lawmakers there are working on an amendment that will allow for special needs children to be adopted.  Personally, I think it's crazy to think that the US parents are fit to adopt their special needs children but not the other children??  But, they haven't really asked my opinion...that being said, however, most of what I have seen says that amendment won't even make it out of committee due to lack of support.  Remember that it passed three readings in parliment overwhelmingly, so that doesn't really surprise me. 
So...that leaves us waiting for at least the next month to see what happens.  I believe that it will truly take a miracle for this ban to be lifted (and I know that is definitely possible!), but Jeremy tends to think that because of foreign policy and how Russia will be seen by other countries and other things that it will be lifted.  If he is right, and they lift it, then we will continue on our journey and pray for all to continue smoothly.  If they don't lift the ban now (who knows when it could happen), we will most likely pursue other options.  We don't want to wait indefinitely for something that may or may not happen.  I really feel strongly that I don't want the boys to be so much older than her so that she is more like an only child.  So, we have looked at other international programs, but honestly none of them really feel right or feel like what we are looking for.  So, we are considering a domestic adoption.  There are many questions to be answered with that as well.  It's so hard to know what to do, when to do it, how to do it, etc.
For now, please pray that we will be clearly led in the direction we need to go.  I would also ask that you pray that even if this ban doesn't get lifted, that those parents who have actually met their child  be allowed to finish the process.  I can't imagine how heartbroken those parents must be.  Thank you for all the love, prayers, and support that you have all given us.  We know that will will get to the other side of all of this, and in the end we will have the little girl that is meant to be part of our family, whether she is from across the world or down the street!!

Peace

To say this week has been emotional would be the understatement of the century for me.  If you are reading this, you probably already know that Putin (the president of Russia) signed a bill this morning that bans all US adoptions from Russia.  We have known for at least a week that it was probably coming as the other governmental bodies had passed it pretty overwhelmingly, but when I read that he had actually put pen to paper to sign it, I kind of lost it.  It's been looming, but this really makes it real.  Even to write this, it hurts my heart.  We are most definitely not the only family caught in the middle of this, and to be honest, I'm glad we aren't in the situation that 46 other families are it.  Those families are either waiting to get their court date, or have already had and are just waiting the 30 day period to bring their children home.  Those people have all met their children, held them, played with them, probably sang them songs and told them they loved them.  They also probably left them with pictures of the family they would be coming back to and told them that they would be back to get them as soon as they could.  Many of these children are old enough to understand that they didn't come back and it's another loss for a child who has no doubt suffered so much loss already.  These are also most likely children who have been passed over by Russian families for adoption.  I read in one article that one of the families who was part of this 46 was adopting a boy who had been passed over by 22 Russian families before they were given the opportunity to give him a family.  What does this ban do for him?  I shudder to think....

At this point, we are kind of in limbo.  This has happened in the past where Russia has put a ban on adoptions only to lift it 6 months later.  We are hoping and praying that it will be lifted again when they realize what a horribly childish decision this was in retaliation of the US government.  I just have a hard time figuring out how any logical person could think it was reasonable to punish these children...let's really show the US, let's steal the chance for a family from the most unfortunate beings in our country...makes absolutely no sense.  Jeremy and I both so strongly believe that our daughter is in Russia that right now, we wait.  I have done some research on other programs and countries, but they just don't feel right to me.  We both agree that this is where we have been led, and that until we get other instructions, this is where we will stay.  It is devastating to think of what might happen, but we cannot give up on her, or our chance to be her parents.

Thank you for all of the prayers and support you have given me during this time.  I truly, truly can feel them.  I'm certain that is the only reason that I'm not completely breaking down.  I have a sense of peace that this is going to work.  Of course, my heart is breaking over the fact that we are going to have to spend even more time away from our daughter and she will be spending more time away from the love of a family.  But, I believe that my God has led me to this exact point, and I trust that he will lead me out of this.  If anyone can change the hearts of the people making these decisions, it's Him, and Him alone.  There is nothing that I can do to change anyone's mind.  I've written to the president, secretary of state, my congressmen, and signed petitions, and I believe that anything I can do is something, but I also know that for things to change is going to have to come from Him.  So, I will continue to get on my knees and pray.  I ask that you will continue to pray for all of this, and most importantly, pray for our little girl somewhere and that she is safe and can somehow know that someone very far away loves her more than she can know.  This is truly my "mantra" for the past week or so:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and I will listen to you"
Jeremiah 29:11-12

Merry Christmas

Believe it or not, I have been trying to write a post since shortly after the tragedy in CT, but have started at least three times and just couldn't put into words what what going through my heart and mind.  It's been an very emotional couple of weeks with that and the possibility of Russia signing a bill that will ban all adoptions to the US.  I told my mom that I just didn't feel like my heart could handle anything else.  I don't think that anyone will ever get over the extreme evil that has occurred, but right now I can think and write about it without breaking down in tears over it.  The only peace I can have about it is knowing that they are peaceful in heaven, and aren't hurting, scared, or traumatized.  I read another blog that a woman said she thought it hit her so hard is because she "knows what six looks like".  I think that is so true.  I know that when I heard the ages of those children, all I could think was, Noah is almost 6...and then couldn't make it much past that.  Then they released the names, and one of the children was a Noah...it really hit me hard to see his name, and see his picture of his sweet face.  The night that it happened I sat on the floor in the boys' room and cried and prayed, and just couldn't think of anything else to do.  Since then I have prayed, cried, and tried to explain to the boys what happened without making them scared themselves to go to school.  Before they even knew about it, Gavin was telling me how they do "lockdown" drills at school, and while he was telling me, I couldn't hold back the tears.  The thought of our children even having to know how to do that, and having the need to do that is truly heartbreaking, and as much as I try not to, I get a little pang of fear now every time I put them on the bus in the morning, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see their smiling faces get off the bus in the afternoon.  As parents, our top priority is keeping them safe, but there is no way to keep them safe every minute, even if they are with us.

I realize that this is not really a happy Merry Christmas post, but I am having a bit of a hard time this Christmas also with the thought that all of our family is not here.  I have said before that we feel like Lainey is part of our family even though we don't even know who she is.  Santa must think so too, because he brought presents for her this year too!  I am trying to trust and be positive about the ruling that is looming that may ban all adoptions from Russia to the US, but it is so hard.  After much prayer (and tears), I truly feel like we are still on the right path, and this will pass and we will get our daughter home in 2013!

I have to say that normally Christmas morning is my favorite day of the entire year since we have had kids.  I absolutely love when they open those presents and they get that look of sheer joy when they get something they want.  I love watching them at the computer trailing Santa on Norad, and I love listening to them talking to Santa over an email that he sent to them.  It's all so magical, and it is so amazing to watch them realize the true meaning of Christmas.  Noah found things in his room yesterday and wrapped gifts for each of us and was so excited to see us open them.  I was so proud of a  5 year old to realize how great it is to give!  They have already been outside to bounce on new pogo sticks and have been playing together with a new Nintendo DS, and are now working on puzzles together.  The puppies are laying in piles of torn up toys (they don't last long here), and just looking so happy.  This year Santa was especially nice to me too!  He brought me a very nice camera that I have been wanting, and Jeremy must have known since he got me a bag to go with it :)  We got some great pictures this morning of boys on pogo sticks with just a pj shirt, undies, and tennis shoes (I"m sure those will go a long way for blackmail in a few years!).

I hope that everyone has a truly wonderful Christmas, and that you get to spend some time with family and friends.  We are going to have a lazy day with no cooking or cleaning allowed (Jeremy's rule), and will be heading out for Chinese tonight!  Fa ra ra ra ra....

Helpless

I think that as a mother, the worst feeling in the world is when you can't do anything to help your child when they are sick, or sad, or just need help.  Right now, I feel like that times about 10.  We have all of our paperwork sitting over in Russia, and are just waiting for a call for them to tell us to come meet our daughter (how strange is that??).  A few weeks ago when I had mountains of paperwork to do, it kept me busy and at least I could feel like I had something that I could do to get things going faster.  Now, I'm working on a couple of last pieces of paper for court when it happens and doing some added training, but none of that makes her get home faster.  It's so hard to feel so helpless and so out of control.  I do know that I'm not the one who is supposed to control, but I don't think I have ever had a harder time waiting for something!

I have been in touch with a woman from WV that is also adopting from the same region and using the same agency that we are using, and they have been to Russia for their first trip and have met their son and then had to leave him after spending time with him for six days.  It's been so amazing to hear about the area and what to expect and how their meetings went with their son.  It has also been really hard to hear about the orphanage and how the kids live and know that our daughter is probably in that same place with the same situation.  She said that the babies get only one diaper a day ( I have no idea how that even works without them having a very serious diaper rash), and that they sleep on a vinyl mattress without sheets or blankets on it.  It's so hard to walk past her room and see that she has so much warmth here, and love her, and honestly, as many diapers as she wants!!  It's been great to hear what we need to make sure we have so that things can go more smoothly there, but it's just so different that it's still even hard to imagine. 

So right now, really all we can do is pray.  When we were saying prayers at bedtime the other night, Gavin prayed for patience while we were waiting for her (he is SOO my child, needing to pray for patience).  I sat on the floor in her room last night and prayed and cried thinking about what she was feeling, or not feeling and  how each day longer she spent there, what it would do to her little heart.    So, if you see me and I'm looking a little crazy, that's probably why....

On a happy note, I worked on her room this weekend and actually got lots of it done, so I thought I would share some pictures:

The curtains were sewn by one of my good friend's moms, and she did an amazing job!  The dust ruffle of the crib also matches!  The flowers under the window and the flamingos are actually metal, and I just thought they were cute.  She already has a bunch of hair bows, so I had to find somewhere to put those already!  We are planning a couple of other things, and would like to use some of our pictures from our first trip to do something on one of the walls.  So, this is what is keeping me busy as least a little while I wait.  Please keep praying for us, and more importantly, for her.  I can't be there with her, but I know that God is with her and I just pray that he keeps her safe not only physically, but emotionally too.  I pray that he protects her heart and that he can somehow let her know that someone loves her and can't wait to have her home.