Already crazy...

I want to go ahead and apologize to everyone who knows me.  I already can see that this waiting thing with the adoption is not going to go well for me.  If you know me, you know that patience isn't my strongest quality, and this is the biggest test I think I have ever had.  This is also a lesson that I've been smacked with on several occasions...you would think I would have learned by now...but no luck there!  I really thought with as busy as I am that time would just sail by and that I would look up one day  and say, "wow, it's been a few months, hope that referral comes soon for the adoption"....right.....who was I kidding??  I find myself sitting at my computer for work and getting anxious with every phone call and email that I get thinking, "this could be it".  Did I mention that our paperwork has only been registered in Russia for a month?  Yeah, from what I have heard/read it normally takes a couple of months even to get a referral so I'm sure we have some waiting to do.  I really am trying to trust that the plan He has for us is perfect, and that his timing is perfect, but I can't help but think that my plan is pretty good too :)  I have been reading blogs all night in hopes that I could find one with a time line for the process that is closer to what I think it should be.  Guess what, doesn't look like it happens that fast for anyone...no matter how much they want it to!

I am excited for Christmas coming, and am hoping that a short break from school and getting ready for Christmas will take my mind off of things.  Santa is planning to bring her a gift, and I'm sure that will feel a little bittersweet on Christmas morning.  I know that the boys are excited too, a parent of a child from Gavin's class asked the other day if we were adopting because her son came home saying that Gavin had been talking about it.  I love that he is so excited about it!  Noah doesn't talk about it much, except that he's sure they will have to watch "girl shows" when she gets here and he's not really happy about that!  We did find out that one of Noah's classmates is Russian and her mom is from Russia, and they only speak Russian in their house.  I contacted her and we are going to try to get together.  I can't wait to get some insight into the life and culture that comes from another human being instead of from a book! 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am overwhelmed by how much we have to be thankful for.  I just look around and listen in my house as the boys are playing and laughing, as Jeremy is playing with them, or as we are just laying on the couch watching cartoons.  It is so incredible to look at the life I have been given.  Amazing family, amazing friends, amazing community.  I could not ask for more...well, except for a short wait to meet our baby girl!!  I found this tonight on a blog I was reading and had to borrow it.  For anyone who has or who is adopting, I think this will really hit your heart.

A letter to you

Once there were two women who never knew each other, One you do not remember, the other you call Mother, Two different lives shaped to make you one, One became your guiding star, the other became your sun, The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it, The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it, One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a nameOne gave you a talent, the other gave you aim, One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears, One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears, One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do, The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you. Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of? Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.---- Unknown 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Small world

So yes, I should be doing homework, but just had to write a short post.  It has been a little rough the past couple of days for me.  The parents and babies went home last night back to Holland.  It has been so great that they have been here for 6 weeks and we got to see them and really get to see the babies before they left.  We even got to meet grandparents!  I feel so lucky and so blessed to have a small part of such an amazing family.  It's really incredible just how small this world really is.  I know that it's halfway around the world, but I still feel like I'll get to see them grow up in other ways.  We have talked so much through email, facebook, skype, and even texting that it really doesn't seem so far away.....well, it does feel like far away, but at least it makes it a little easier.

People always ask me how I'm able to carry babies and then just give them away.  I really do not have a problem with giving them to the parents that they belong to.  I have found that my biggest problem is seeing this part of what has been about a year long journey coming to an end.  When you do this, you can't help but have a very unique bond with the parents that are entrusting you with their children.  It's something that is hard to describe.  You not only are helping them add to or start their family, but in a small way you become part of their family.  So, it's hard when the pregnancy is over because you all go back to normal life and of course there is a little less talking and there's not visits for the most part, and truly that is what is supposed to happen.  But I would be lying if I said that it wasn't a little hard.  So, it's not so much that I miss the babies that I had with me for so long, but it's kind of like when a family member or best friend moves away....

I'm so thankful for the time that we had together for these last 6 weeks and I will never forget how great it was.  I'm so thankful that my kids got to see them and get to know them and I think one day it will help them realize what surrogacy really is and how great it can be.  I'm so thankful for being able to spend time with the babies and I have to say seeing Lola actually looking for me becuase she recognized my voice makes me think about how amazing pregnancy really is.  I am so thankful that after everything I made it through my last pregnancy healthy, and and certain that this was my last time.  Can't lie about that either, it's kind of bittersweet.  I know I was miserable at the end, but there is something about being able to do that that makes me proud to be a woman!!  I think that's why I've always done women's health in my career, I just think that it is incredible what women can do....we just rock I guess!!

Amazing

Again my good plans for doing one thing turned into writing this blog.  I had good intentions of going to bed, but just couldn't stop thinking about what I saw this weekend.  First, on Saturday, friends of ours from church came home with their beautiful new daughter from Ecuador.  We weren't able to make it to the airport to welcome them home, but the pictures I saw online were incredible.  Of course it made me think of the day that we will get to do that with our daughter and it really is overwhelming to think about.  This afternoon, we had a little baby shower for the parents of the beautiful babies I carried and I saw two new parents who have settled into this incredible new life as parents so well that it really is amazing to see.  Talk about a change in life.  From no children to newborn twins....so awesome.  I also saw amazing women and mothers that started as my friends, have now become friends of theirs too, so there is an international connection now between the Carolinas and Holland, also awesome!  Girls, I do see a Flamingos take Europe trip!!!

That was not the end of my amazing sights this weekend!  We headed to trunks and treats tonight and more awesome things.  I saw the newest adopted daughter of our friends dressed up and having fun with her new family and many other kids.  I know that obviously she is not totally adjusted in one day, but how incredible to see her having fun in this totally new place with all new people and all new words and just new life in general.  As I looked around, I noticed another friend with her adopted daughter from Ecuador also, and another church member with an adopted son from the US, and yet another church member with her two adopted children.  I also saw another family that is in the process of adopting and know who their daughter is, but haven't been able to bring her home yet just because of the long process with their country.  Not only are there so many stories like this, but there are also many that I don't know.  I know there are other families in the process of adopting, and I'm sure even more that are thinking and praying about it, and that is also so incredible to me.

I think that the most amazing thing to me is that there are so many ways to make a family.   And, there are so many kinds of families.  I feel like I have been so blessed to be able to help add to and start families with being a surrogate.  What an amazing thing to be able to do....I honestly just can't explain how that feels.  But, I also feel like I have been a part of creating a family of friends as well and connecting the US and Holland.  Now, we get a chance to add again to our family but in a very different way than we have before.  It's still very surreal to me, but we have our paperwork in Russia as I type and are being registered in the region we are adopting from.  Once we are regiestered, they are saying we should have our referrral and travel on our first trip within 6 months.  When that day comes, I'm not even sure what we will do!!  So amazing....

Courageous

I had good intentions of sitting here during the boys' Tae Kwon Do class and doing my school work.  Unfortunately I forgot the ear buds to listen to lectures and I forgot my notes to do my assignment.  Apparently I wasn't meant to do that here tonight.  So, I figured since I had some extra time I would write here.  I have been thinking about this post for a week or two after hearing a song on the radio.  I honestly don't know who sings it, but in the song they sing, "we were meant to be courageous".  I started thinking about that a little.  I have had a few people tell me that I was courageous in doing the surrogacy, but I never really thought of it that way.  I've said before that I really just feel like I was doing what I was supposed to do.  I think that there are so many people in my life that I look at as being so courageous.  I personally think that the "normal" things in life really take more courage than we ever really think about.
   I think of two of my closest friends who have chosen to be a stay at home mom (you know who you are), and I really think they is amazing.  The choice to stay home is not an easy one when you consider having to make sacrifices because of money, time and everything else that being home with your children involves.  I have said before that I know I couldn't be a stay at home mom, but I think that it really takes a huge amount of courage to trust that is the right decision for your family.  It also takes a huge amount of courage to handle criticism that may come from different places about being a stay at home mom.  I don't think that anyone can argue that raising children is the most important job that there is.
    On the flip side of that, I have very close friends that have chosen to be working moms, and I know how much courage that takes as well.  The balance between having a family and a career is very delicate, and most days you feel like you are constantly neglecting something.  When you are at work, you worry about what the kids are doing, and when you are with the kids, you are thinking about work that needs to be done.  But, I know that for many women, it's the right decision to work, and it takes courage to follow that decision.  There is also criticism that comes with this decision, from many places, and there is guilt that comes with being a working mom. 
   I see courage in so many places, every day.  I see it in my kids when they go to school, make new friends, try new things, and learn new things everyday.  I look at Noah who just started kindergarten, and how many new things that happen everyday and how he handles it with courage, even though I know he was scared.  I see it in my parents who have been through so much with illnesses and just life in general but still have so much faith and trust that everything is as it should be.  The courage is amazing to make marriage and life work for so long.  I see it in the parents of the beautiful babies I had the privledge to carry.  To be able to trust someone who is pretty much a stranger with their most precious gift they have ever had is incredible.  What amazing courage to know that someone is carrying your children thousands of miles away and not completely losing your mind!  I had a hard time leaving the boys at daycare, so I can't imagine what kind of courage that must have taken.  Not to mention the courage that so many of my friends have had to make the decision to have children.  Talk about scary...to be responsible for these amazing little lives takes more courge than I think any of us ever thought we had! It's the courage to be willing to make mistakes, and to make hard and even seemingly impossible decisions, never knowing if what you are doing is right, or if it is something they will talk about in therapy one day!
   Regular real life takes courage every day.  It takes courage to trust that what you are doing and what direction you are going is the right way.  It takes courage to take a chance and try something new, to start a new job, to accept a promotion, and to make those hard decisions.  I am amaazed every day at the courage that I have around me and try to remember how much courage "normal" life takes!
   

What a difference a day makes!

Wow...what  a crazy 36 hours it has been!  Yesterday morning I was seriously on edge and worried for my mental health!  I was feeling pretty bad with high blood pressure and swelling unlike anything I had ever seen.  To say I was miserable was the understatement of the year.  Not to metion the fact that anyone who came into contact with me was pretty much doomed to be miserable too.  So let me just say to anyone that happened to cross my path...I'm sorry....I have no good excuse, so I'll just say sorry and leave it at that. 
Anyway, today is a new day, and the babies are here and beautiful and doing well.  As miserable as I was, it is so worth it in the end to be able to help them become parents.  I ended up with a c-section, which was not my first choice, but I can't lie...it wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be.  I feel pretty good already.  The best part is, I've lost 18 pounds already!! Now, granted, it's a different scale, but even so, that's pretty good!  I'm moving around better than I thought I would be, but I'm more tired than I thought I would be.  Guess all of this stuff takes it out of you!  I have to give kudos to all of the staff here at CMC-Pineville, they have been awesome and really could not have taken better care of me. 
So, fingers crossed I may get to go home tomorrow, assuming that my blood pressure behaves!  I'm ready to get back to normal life (well, normal for us anyway).  I'm most excited that I can now actually reach my feet again...pretty exciting after the last few weeks!

This was not my plan....

Well, things don't always seem to go as planned, no matter how much I fight for them to!  I was 33 weeks and 6 days pregant yesterday and started having some pretty decent contractions and had a Dr appt scheduled anyway, so went in for that around lunch.  The first bad news came before I even saw the doctor...high blood pressure and protein in my urine (which shouldn't be there).  Then came the ultrasound...baby A (the girl) has decided to flip around and be breech.  That means they get to come out via c-section....my worst nightmare....so, I had a bit of a freak out in the Dr office, but have come to terms with it and realize that I just have to deal with it.  So, from the Dr office, I headed to the hospital for labs and monitoring... and here I sit a day later on mag sulfate (for the BP), bedrest for the most part, and after no food all day yesterday I did get to have some oatmeal and coffee this morning.   I've had the pleasure of a shot to hopefully stop contractions (which burns, and didn't work), and then the first of the steroid shots (which do more than burn...ouch) that will help the babies' lung mature.  I'll get another this afternoon and then the plan is that 24 hours after that they will do the c-section to deliver. 

So....that's my plan for the next two days....not at all what I thought I would be doing...but then when is it ever??  My parents have come up to stay with the boys, so I know they are in good hands, so that's one less thing to worry about!  I know that I need to be here and getting the meds for all of us to be as healthy and safe as possible, but it does suck...no other way around that.  Good news is that the parents are on the way and should be here by tonight and hopefully the plan continues and they will be here when the babies' arrive.  So, all is good, but I would ask for prayers for a c-section which is honestly terrifying for me, and that the babies are as healthy as can be.  I know we are all in good hands, and feel very safe being here where we need to be.  And, prayers for the parents for safe travels as they are on their way over right now.

How did I end up here?

To me, my life is completely normal, but I do realize that from the outside our family is fairly unique and our situation is probably one that most people wouldn't understand or maybe even want.  So, I've started thinking, how did I end up here, in this situation, in this moment in time?  I've always believed that there are no accidents and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  And, of course, like most of us, I have that 20/20 hindsight to be able to look back and say, thank you God for making that happen, even if at the time it was devastating.  So many things I have been through have been life changing and I am so thankful for that. 

So many years ago in college, I really thought that I could see the path I was on, from the guy I was dating to the things I was studying.  After making a huge move, everything changed, and my life was never the same again.  At the time I was devastated and thought that my life would never recover.  Amazingly, and with some time and prayers from many people, I of course did recover and moved past it and was able to put things back together.  This was when I think my real life really started.  I started nursing school, met Jeremy and started "trying" to act like a grown up!

I can't even begin to explain what meeting Jeremy did in my life.  Somehow this little Catholic girl ended up becoming a part of a Baptist church family and that has really made all the difference in my life.  That is what really started me on this crazy path that I am on.  I think that it doesn't seem so crazy because I can feel that all of this is what I'm supposed to be doing, and that is how I have managed to make it through everything without going crazy.  I feel at peace with things that many people see as strange and just don't understand.  I also know that most husbands wouldn't handle all of these things we have been through like Jeremy has.  I have said before that I know for a fact that he was put into my life for a reason, I couldn't do this with anyone else, and no one else would be as supportive as him in all of this. 

So I guess how I ended up here, pregnant with twins that aren't mine and about to deliver, in the process of trying to adopt a little girl from halfway around the world, working fulltime as a nurse, and going to graduate school fullt time, oh and taking care of two amazing and crazy little boys that are the most incredible kids I have even known, and trying to be a wife to the most amazing husband I have ever known....wow....this is where I am, and I couldn't have it any other way.  It's busy, it's crazy, and it's scary at times, but it couldn't be better.  I think I ended up here because I have been able to take a chance and say, okay, this is what I think I'm being called to do, so this is what I'm going to do!  It is truly amazing what can happen when you just decide to go with it and trust that it will work like its going to!!